Simian Farmer

It's pronounced 'zed', okay?

In an effort to shock Little Man in a Toque with my indulgence, I am going to type out the alphabet on my computer screen and do a word association thingy to each letter that somehow relates to my country.

Instead of my native Kreblachistan, for which I have sworn an unswervingly loyal oath of secrecy (under threat of being taunted and ridiculed while standing naked in front of all of my ex-girlfriends... both of them), I will arbitrarily choose, umm, Canadia as a surrogate.

In a staggering leap of mental fluency, I will call it:

Canadian Word Association (of death!!)

A. - Alberta beef
B. - Beer
C. - Chretien
D. - Doughnut (I have ever spelt it thus, LMiaT)
E. - Edmonton Oilers
F. - Frost heaving
G. - Gretzky
H. - Hockey Night in Canada
I. - Inept politicians
J. - Jonathon Power, squash supah-star
K. - Kitchener-Waterloo General Hospital
L. - Lucy Maud Montgomery
M. - Manitoba Bison
N. - Navy?  What navy?
O. - Okanagan Valley
P. - Portage and Main, 50 below
Q. - Quoi?
R. - Redneck
S. - Sod only refers to grass
T. - Trees don't grow in the Arctic
U. - United States neighboUr
V. - Veterans, lest we forget
W. - World Wars
X. - Xylophones are not made here
Y. - Yellowknife
Z. - Zed, okay?  It really is pronounced zed.  Zed.

NOTE:
Frost heaving (the entry for F.) can refer either to a common surficial geological event caused by the expansion of water as it freezes in the first two metres or so of exposed earth in winter, or to a similarly frequent phenomenon as seen outside Edmonton's Whyte Avenue bars in February during the university's Reading Week.

And to aid in proliferation, feel free to copy and modify to suit the country of your choice.  But if you too are from Kreblachistan, remember your oath!

I will officially tag a few that I think may do it, and who may read this:

Penny of Fresh cup... move down
Tina of Ride along with me
Jaquandor of Byzantium's Shores

That'll do for now.  I'm too bloody lazy to link any more when I really ought to be in bed.

First anniversary. Let's do some serious navel gazing!

Today, the 29^th of September 2005, a seemingly inauspicious day by all accounts, marks the first anniversary of my entrance into the blogging world.  (Yay me!)

So where do I sit?

16,304 visitors to this site up to midnight last night.  **waves hi!**
440 posts.  (This is now my 441^st.)
575 comments.  (Insert Sally Field reference here.)

I aim to continue steering this blog on a more personal course.  (Not so much with the current affairs unless I feel a desperate need to opine, and a bare minimum of linking unless there's an overwhelming NEAT factor that simply must be shared; you can go to BoingBoing for that.)  There are a number of things I'd like to express here that I still haven't.  Whether it's gussying up the courage to say something or finding the right way to say it, there are a few pokers I have in the fire that need their time under the hammer yet.

Until then, I've compiled a list of some of my favourites from the past year.  They may not necessarily be your favourites, but considering that I cater to countless tens of fans, somebody's bound to get something out of some of them.  And I sometimes just like making lists.  And using 'some-' words too often in a single paragraph.

I love you all.  Even that fcuker in Calgary who comes here, like, five times a day and NEVER leaves a comment.

Anyway, here's the list:

Anonymity

One of the neat things that has grown up around the trend of blogging is the wonderfully symbiotic relationship that is engendered between exhibitionists and voyeurs.  For every one person that elects to flaunt themselves out on the internet for all to see, there are at least 23 (I've counted) other persons eager to live vicariously through the words, pictures and podcasts of others.

I've elected to use this medium due to its eminent portability, simple aesthetics, ease of use and, frankly, it provides the opportunity to put myself out there in a manner that is somewhat akin to stepping out on a stage.  Only I'm playing in front of a two-way mirror and most often have no idea who's watching.  It's only the few random audience members who elect to throw a rose or a tomato onto the stage that make themselves known.

I think this is appealing both to the performer and the audience since the former is more inclined to feel uninhibited and the latter more likely to partake of the performance feeling absolutely no qualms at leaving and grumbling whatever disparaging comments to himself as come to mind.  I know I'm much more likely to feel free to make a fool of myself in front of an unknown audience of thousands than a small handful of intimate faces.

A caveat with which to read these sorts of things, of course, is that you're never getting the full story.  The same as what you'll find in an autobiography, you're only going to read that which the author elects to reveal, and only in the manner in which he reveals it.  You're never going to meet Simon Fraser through these words, only ever Simian Farmer.  A person can mold herself in any way she chooses.  That has a lot of appeal in itself.  I wonder what the Meinkampf blog would have looked like?

I've become increasingly curious about the audience over the past year.  I mean, I write this stuff for myself and to track the progress of certain domestic events, but knowing that there are others reading it invariably influences what I write.  (I'm not go to admit to any indictable offences for instance.  Not that I've committed any.  Honest, officer.)  So I naturally wonder who's reading this stuff.  If I face the honest truth, I've become a stats whore.

I'm truly amazed at the quality of the friendships that have inadvertently bloomed through casual interaction over wires and nodes and servers and such.  Idle comments lead to quippy Emails and conversations and decreasingly trepidatious discussions about surprisingly revealing details.  Over the past few years, I can say that I've gathered unto myself several truly good friendships with people I've never met as well as a myriad other acquaintances.

But back to being a stats whore.

I track all the hits I get on this site and, over the past year, have averaged about 40 per day.  Many misdirected search queries, references from other sites and folks who have bookmarked me for regular or irregular perusal.  Some of them comment, most don't and then the vast majority flit on by wondering why this site came up as a search result for, corpse locked in a freezer beneath Lance and his Bunny.  Seriously.  You think I'd make that shit up?

I wonder what draws certain people back here when they stumble and don't move on.  Do you know me?  Are we related?  (I know my mother reads this sometimes... Hi Mom!!)  I can find out a little bit about each and every one of you, but never enough to sate my curiosity.

For instance, I've never received a comment of any sort from my most avid reader.  I know most of his (assuming the gender) IP address, the fact that he lives in or near Calgary, Alberta, his computer runs MS Windows 2000 and he browses with IE 6.0.  (Silly rabbit, try this on for size.)  I also know that he sometimes swings by four or five times a day, spending upwards of half an hour at a time.

I want to reach out and see the faces that saunter by this little performance and become familiar with some of those that return every now and again for an encore.  But all I can see is my own face in the two-way mirror at the front of the stage and I must appease myself with a little narcissistic indulgence.  (Oh c'mon!  It's really what I'm here for anyway, isn't it?)

The show goes on, and I'm kinda glad that there's no big hook that looms out of stage left and yoinks me off.

Housekeeping

You may have noticed that I changed the masthead for the month of September. 
As usual, all the archived banners may be seen HERE.

I've deleted and added some sites to my The Simian Regularly Reads section of the sidebar.  There are a number that have been in my RSS feed for some time that I thought merited some polite linkage.

I've also made a link at the bottom to the Insanity Test.  I take this regularly.  If I find I'm not insane, then I worry.

And lastly, I'm going on some sort of Team Building thing for work starting this afternoon and going thru Thursday evening.  Posting may be a little light. 

Simian Farmer Light: now with less circumlocution!

Free stuff is cool

Very shortly after starting this site, waaaaay back in September of 2004 (it almost seems like a lifetime ago, now), I signed up for the Sitemeter service to track the hits that I received.  (Yes, I know your IP address and how long you spend wasting time in the middle of the day reading about my penchant for abusing helpless puppies.)

Via the Sitemeter Weblog I discovered the new added feature (it's all still free!) of seeing the previous X number of visits pinned on a world map.

I think it's just cool that some guy from the middle of Australia found my site from a comment I made on the Simon of Space blog novel and that I was also found by a dude in Fukuoka, Japan using Google to search for Latin phrases.  If I had to be from anywhere other than where I am, it would be neat to be from Fukuoka.

"Hey Si, where ya from?"

"Fukuoka!!"

"Fukuoka you too!  But where ya from!?"

Good times.

Red is the most recent visitor, green the last ten, and the rest are white.  It tracks the most recent 100 for you.  500 if you have a paid account.  My degree of on-line narcissism just reached a whole new level.

Simian Farmer Neat Factor:  8.7 / 10

Simplify, simplify, semper fi

I'm posting this month's new page banner a couple days early since I may be dead by the time August arrives.  Consider this my last gift to the world wide what.  Driving up to the Death Race tomorrow.  Lawd have mercy.

I've also gone back to a simpler site design.  Less cluttered.  Focused more on the written bits.  Comments on the look are welcome, and of course I reserve the right to ignore them completely; that doesn't mean I love you any less.

As always, all previous page banners can be seen --> la bas

Random stuff about me

10 years ago:
Half way through university and horribly socially inept.  A penchant for beer and wings after class saw my weight peak at 240 lb.  I was bemoaning my single status.  Saving grace was an incredible circle of strong friends, most of whom are still around in one form or another today.

5 years ago:
Rapidly approaching the fiery death of an over-long engagement to the wrong gal.

1 year ago:
Traveling through the last year of my twenties, I could hardly believe that I was a new dad.

Yesterday:
Up at 6 AM with the dog barking to get out of her kennel.  Got the boy up an hour later: changed, fed and a bottle stuck in his mouth so I could deposit him with his mother, still sleeping in bed.  Out the door by 8 for a long training run with my buddy Chris.  (18 km and my legs are rather stiff today.)  Home at 11, dropped the spawn off at granny's house so my wife and I could do housework that should have been done two years ago before we first moved in.  Wife off to work for the evening just after 4, I went back to granny's house for a salmon supper and to hear accolades about how well-behaved and cute the boy is.  Home by 8.30 PM with a slice of leftover rhubarb pie for my wife when she got home; boy's in bed before 9.  Finished the dishes, set the sprinkler to water the front lawn and parked my carcass on the sofa until beautiful spouse got home before 11.  Re-coil hose.  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Today:
At the office by 6 AM.  Two staff members away for the week.  Hot damn it's gonna be busy this week!

Tomorrow:
Is pregnant with anticipation.

5 snacks I enjoy:
Cheetos
Homemade popcorn with dill pickle seasoning
Handful of semi-sweet chocolate chips
Cheese & crackers
Anything I don't have to prepare myself

5 bands that I know the lyrics of MOST of their songs:
The Tragically Hip
The Tea Party
Pearl Jam (their older, better, stuff)
Big Sugar
Captain Tractor (local indie band; they do a GREAT cover of The Logdriver's Waltz)

5 things I would do with $100,000,000:
Raise my pinkie finger to the corner of my mouth and laugh maniacally.
Quit my job to construct an exact replica of the Mos Eisley Cantina from Star Wars.  (No droids allowed.)
Donate a bunch.
Invest in family's future.
Cover my bed in $100 bills and roll naked on it.

5 locations I’d like to run away to:
Deserted white sand beach/island, replete with hammock and books
The misty highlands of Scotland
Lakeside mountain cabin
A backyard snow fort made with my son
Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair

5 bad habits I have:
Procrastinating
Posting from work
Drinking too much coffee when I get to work early
Taking frustration out on the dogs
Not mowing the lawn enough this summer

5 things I like doing:
Reading
Playing squash
Tickling my son
Running
Watching movies

5 things I would never wear:
Calgary Flames hockey jersey
Pink legwarmers (actually, legwarmers in general, regardless of colour)
Spiked high heels
Pants in the summer (if I could get away with it at work)
Speedos

5 TV shows I like:
Daily Planet
Jeopardy
Mythbusters
American Chopper
Frontiers of Construction

5 movies I like:
Star Wars
TRON
The Remains of the Day
Last of the Mohicans
The Matrix

5 famous people I’d like to meet:
Guy Gavriel Kay
George Lucas
Neale Donald Walsh
Jesus Christ
Paris Hilton (I'd like to see if she really is that dumb)

5 biggest joys at the moment:
All things relating to my son
Sitting down after the boy goes to bed and relaxing with my wife
Uninterrupted reading time
The summer weather
Looking forward to November when I get my DVD copy of Revenge of the Sith and can watch all six movies in one marathon session

5 favorite toys:
My computer
Digital camera
Anakin Skywalker Force FX Lightsabre
Juggling balls
The boy

Again, copied from Byzantium's Shores.

Housekeeping note

If, over the past couple weeks, you've been poking around in some of my archived posts, you may have seen some horrible formatting that made everything impossible to read.  This was due to the fact that Typepad was introducing some new features to its service which caused some disruptions to certain of the existing content.

The upgrades have been completed and I just now finished republishing my weblog in its entirety.  It took, like, almost five minutes!  So everything should be looking dandy now. 

If you haven't been rooting through my archives, please continue to ignore me.

25 things

Copied, pasted and modified from Byzantium's Shores.

1. Using your current initials, choose a different name for yourself:

Super Dimensional Fortress

(FYI - Mark Hamill recently finished voice work for a new animated feature film based on the Robotech novels.  Wick - id!)

2. If you were born outside of your era, when would you want to be born?

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

3. If you ran a store, what would you sell/have?

I would sell portable holes so that you'd never have to take luggage on airplanes again; just store everything in your portable hole, fold it up and put it in your pocket.  Unfold and remove items at your destination, no-one being the wiser.  International smuggling would reach an all-time high, crime would proliferate and the world consumer market would begin to collapse - laying sole blame at my feet.  My fledgling empire would crumble after just getting off the ground; my wife and children would leave me as a result of the abusive media coverage and I would end up wandering the streets of Edmonton begging for spare change with a black bowler's hat.  As the coins clinked in the visible depths of the black hat, I would laugh mirthlessly at the inherent irony.  My frozen body would by found by children playing in a spring snowbank after one particularly cold winter, one of which youngsters having stolen his father's now illegal portable hole.  As a lark, they would stuff my corpse into the hole, fold it up and banter back and forth, "What has it gots in its pocketses?"  The gravity of the situation would quickly reassert itself and the ensuing panic from the knowledge that one boy had a dead body in his back pocket would cause them all to flee home, the portable hole being left behind in the ravine where it would inadvertently act as a drain for the excessive spring run-off that year, thereby saving the city's river valley from the worst flooding in 200 years.  Countless lives, bird's nests and tee times would be saved.  I would remain an unsung hero unto eternity.

4. What part in a movie would you love to play?

The part where I get to work for three months and reap 20 million bucks for the 'effort'.

5. In your opinion, why do people suck?

They take themselves too seriously.  See #3 above.

6. If you had your own state, what would you put on your new quarter?

My son's head.  Well, a reasonable facsimile thereof.  I'm sure my son would like to keep his own head.

7. What's the oldest article of clothing you own?

A tiny navy blue T-shirt with white letters on it spelling out 'WYDO'.  My dad had it made for me when I was two (or so) since I couldn't pronounce 'Simon' and gave myself the appellation by loudly proclaiming, "Me Wydo!" on a regular basis.

8.What piece of furniture have you replaced the most?

Most of mine are rather static.

9. What instrument do you wish you could be more than great at?

I'd love to be able to play the bagpipes.  (Shut up!)  Any excuse to don my kilt.

10. Record, Tape or CD?

CD fer sure.  To quote Garth Algar: "Live in the NOW man!"

11. What do you think would be the best concert ever?

I'd love to see the Tragically Hip play a small bar gig and stick to tracks from their first four albums.  They finish the night with an encore performance of 'I'm a Werewolf, Baby'.

12. What is the best part of your favourite movie?

"Yeee - Haaaaa!  You're all clear kid!  Now let's blow this thing and go home."

13. What do you think is the most over-rated candy ever?

Cotton candy.  Ew.

14. If you were writing out your will, who would you give your CD collection to?

Someone who wouldn't mind being horribly underwhelmed.

15. If you could only debate two topics the rest of your life, what would they be?

Religion (spirituality, existence, esoterica in general) and Star Wars.

16. Out of your friends, who would you say you are most jealous of, artistically?

My high school bud, Jeff.  Haven't seen him in years, but his skill with any sort of artistic medium whereby you mark a dense surface with a less dense object to create images of 'things' was far beyond what I'll ever have.  I peaked at stick men.

17. Most jealous of....intellectually?

My fraternity brother, Mike.  He's ten or so years my senior and incredibly well read, and well spoken.  He makes being a spin-doctor look easy.

18.What do you collect?

Books, bad habits, good friends, sleep when I can...

19. What is broken that you have, that you wish was fixed?

My initiative (sometimes).  And my red laser-pointer needs a new battery.

20. What do you do when you're home, sick?

Mope and act generally disgruntled.  Blow my nose a lot.  Sniffle.  I cannot disagree with the accusation that most (almost all) men are big babies when we're ill.  It's genetic.

21. Story behind your username?

A friend of mine was composing an Email that included my full name.  He used spellcheck before sending the document.  Since 'Simon Fraser' is not in the dictionary, it came back with the suggested correction of 'Simian Farmer'.  It stuck.  And since I frequently post stuff about raising my son, I find it rather apropos.

22. Current Favourite Article of Clothing?

For our first anniversary, my wife got me a 30 year-old version of the T-shirt that I mentioned back at question #7.  I am WYDO once more.

23. Line from the last thing you wrote for someone?

In an Email I composed yesterday was the line, "I almost felt I should have been wearing a yarmuckle and saying a Harachamon prayer."  Make of that what you will.

24. A famous person you have met?

When my mother worked in local TV, I once did a construction safety video with Nathan Fillion.  He wasn't famous at the time, but he has since gone on to star for a couple seasons in a soap opera and a prime time sitcom.  He was also the wrong Private Ryan that Tom Hanks' platoon stumbled upon in the movie, Saving Private Ryan.  He starred in the sci-fi series, Firefly; doing the movie Serenity also.  I feel privileged to have met him.  We wore hard hats together and I actually had a line; something to do with a ladder that was too short.

25. Favourite way to waste time?

Surfing the 'net.  I could also spend hours staring into a campfire.  Both activities seem to have the same effect on me.

That's it.  Now you know.

Don't masquerade with the guy in shades

Last month, I received some flack from a fella who thought that the 'Simian Farmer' portion of the page banner was a little hard to read.  Too 'contrasty' or some such drivel.  I hope that the new one for July meets any and all expectations.

If you disapprove in some manner, please contact me immediately so I may ignore you promptly!

Love,
Simon

PS - all archived page banners can be seen here --> Click it