Less of an asshole

With these words, about a week and a half ago, my wife charmed me.

I have to admit, she was right.  If she were to say it again now, a week and a half later, she may still be right.  Perhaps I should ask her.  Then again, perhaps I shouldn't.

We were on our way out the door with the boys and I was grumping about how difficult and time-consuming a process it often is just to get all four of us dressed and out the door.  Most of the difficulty, and my subsequent ire, lying with our sons.  I too often let it get to me.  Amy took that particular time to point out that I really need to lighten up and be, well, less of an asshole.

I feel I should take this next space to reinforce the stance I took immediately upon hearing that: I wasn't offended.  I think it's safe to say I rarely am by my wife.  We have stumbled upon a rather idyllic situation where I am a fellow who appreciates honest feedback, even when it rears up as constructive criticism, and my darling Amy is a woman with the God-given gift of implacable honesty.  Did I mention unrestrained?  Because it's that too.

It's partly in the delivery, too, quite frankly.  My attitude right at that moment was that of being one with my inner asshole (really gritting my teeth and squinching my eyelids), and Amy was simply poking it in that sensitive spot under the armpit that can't help but elicit a reaction of some sort.  Plus, there's this way she has (with me, anyway) of casting her eyes down and her head a little to the side and saying what she has to say with a real element of self-effacing bluntness in her tone.  Then she looks up at me with her guileless eyes, blinks once or twice without saying anything, and looks down again as she puts on her own shoes to head out.

It's times like that my only reaction - internal and external - is that of: yeah... I guess I have been acting sort of like an asshole, eh?

It's complicated, but I think I'm going to chalk it up to not taking enough time for myself and so exhibiting that frustration pretty much just as soon as I walk in the door after work in the evenings.  My inner asshole's been looking for an outlet all day, and GOD DAMN but that stack of dirty dishes by the sink is enough of a catalyst to let him out!

[Hang on... I have to refill my scotch.  I'm now out of the Auchentoshan so I'll have to downgrade to the Glenfiddich.]

Where was I? Oh yes, being an asshole.

I am a man who thrives on a certain degree of order and predictability (as anyone who knows me will tell you), so you can well imagine that living in a house with two small boys aged two and four is pretty much anathema to my very existence right now.  And yes, I do - often - let that get to me.  My frustration, at times, is palpable, unpleasant, internalised, and almost wholly impotent.  Silly, really.

I know, I mean I KNOW, that entropy will win.  The whole universe is an open system, for Christ's sake.  The odds are stacked astronomously against me, but still, there is this part of me that wants to contain my tiny little corner of the Local Fluff and make of it something with an element of predictability and structure.

I blame work, too.  It's been throwing me for an occasional loop since 2003.  That's when we were sold and have been enmeshed in the inexorable and rather ugly process of becoming a bureaucratic corporation for the past five years.  Educational and eye-opening, yes.  Fun?  Not so much.

Used to be that hiring a "new guy" was reason enough for different people to take him out for lunch his whole first week.  "Did you see the New Guy?"  "No!  Who is he?  Let's go meet him and take him to Earl's for wings and beer!"  "Yeah!  On the company dime, wooo!"

Now, and for the past few years, it's been a frikkin' revolving door.  So while our overall payroll has more than tripled since I started, I am now one of the single longest-serving employees of well over 2,000.  Mine erstwhile construction brothers in arms have been fleeing, falling and forsaking their posts, and that, too, is rather more entropic than befits my nature.

June will mark nine years with the same company for me (since university graduation), and I can probably count on one hand now those of 2,500 who have been employed there longer.  It feels like individuals matter less and can more easily fall through the cracks, and, knowing that, are often more inclined to do so.

I need a vacation.

Thankfully, I have one coming up for a week and a half in May.  Most of that time will be mine, and that will be a good thing for everybody in contact with me.  And for me most of all.

I miss my wife too, which is no small part of my transformation into an asshole.  My day starts most often around 5.30 in the morning (I *try* to exercise first thing most days), and continues through until about nine o'clock in the evening.  I figure that's about when I can put my feet up a little without too much of a guilty twinge.  The boys are in bed, shopping is put away, dishes are done, the house is generally tidy, (nothing wet and/or alive on the floor, anyway), and distractions are at their lowest.  Amy's normally the first one in bed, and I sometimes trail behind her by an hour or more, depending on what else I feel I HAVE to do before allowing myself the luxury of our memory-foam mattress.  Real quality time with my missus, then, is, to quote a young Obi-Wan Kenobi, "...elsewhere, elusive."

I want to know her on a daily basis more than I do, in terms spiritual, intellectual, emotional, and biblical.  But of course, knowing women as well as we all do, there are elements of that desire rather more complicated than others, especially where fatigue and doing the dishes at 10 PM enter into it.  (I wear latex on a nightly basis, but it's only ever to prevent dishpan hands.)

So, frustrated by my perceived inability to satiate what I think of as the majority of my wants, I vent my frustration in the manner only a tried and true introvert can: I become an asshole to those closest to me.

With all that under the bridge now, here's hoping to a fine April and a marvelous vacation/recuperation in May.  It's supposed to be absolutely fucking balmy here this weekend, so the melting and the sun and my total lack of pants will also do wonders for my demeanour.

Here's to me being less of an asshole.

Comments

[Jen]

The PB (permanent boyfriend) and I were watching some show and in it, the husband did something akin to what you're doing in this post, and from watching his wife's face, I blurted that he was gonna get some extra nookie. I can't see your wife's reaction but I think this will have that result. Bravo. It's not every guy who can work the asshole angle, so to speak. :D

[Moksha Gren]

Personally, I blame your asshole-ish-ness on your lack of blogging. I mean, how can you possibly find your inner joy without a constant connection to your online friends. I should know. I've only posted three posts this year...and just ask my wife what kind of asshole I've been of late ;)

The situations you describe are tough ones. Easy to deal with in small doses such that those on the outside tend to look at you as if you are over-reacting. Which you are, sortof, but the constant drum beat of these small issues wears down the armor until the occasional asshole explosion (not to confused with an assplosion) in inevitable. You have to constantly remember not to let the little things get to you...and that's just impossible every minute of every day.

It's just good that you have Amy there to snap you out of it. And Auchentoshan to help you analyze it. And this blog to help you vent it. And a vacation in a mere 28 days where you will be surrounded by friends who completely understand where you're coming from on this one, you asshole.

[Mark]

I'm pretty sure you just summed up the feelings of thousands, hundreds of thousands, and maybe even millions of fathers all over the free world (I say "free world," because in countries that aren't free the men typically subjugate the women and engage in neither the nurturing of children nor the washing of dishes).

I know I feel that way sometimes, anyway, and we have only the one child. I've become much better at not internalizing my family life concerns, and that has helped tremendously. My job worries? I've not been quite as good at letting all that out, until night before last when I vented at about 1 a.m. after 1) discovering the dog had pissed on the carpet rather than the backyard during a severe storm, and 2) hitting my head on a shelf while bending up from soaking up said piss.

It's just those little things that trigger an onslaught of "Yeah, well, sometimes my daytime life sucks, too, you know?" For me, it's generally because I try not to worry my wife too much. She does that enough on her own. Of course, her reaction was, "Why didn't you tell me any of this before?"

Ah, the joys of balancing it all. May is coming, brother! Let's release the steam together!

[Amy]

Jen-No nookie. not this week anyway...
It is all in the waves of daily living. There is a trend with the asshole inside Simon. I know when it is coming and I know when it is leaving. It just seems like I need to say that your inner asshole is coming out for you to realize it. If it makes you feel better, I don't envy you at all. Working full time and coming home to two boys who won't leave you alone until they go to bed and a house that needs some TLC and a wife that has her own thing to do as soon as dinner is over. There is also the financial aspect of life that you being the only one employed in this household with a wife and two kids to support. That is a lot on one mans shoulders. However. If you feel that you don't spend enough time with me now what are you going to do when I start my new job??? It will help you with a bit of the financial stuff but you are not going to see me any more than you do... Life has been pretty convenient with me home and that is going to change here ASAP!!!

[Émilie B]

Like Mark has said, this will all resonate to a LOT of people. I know Frank and I have both been more snappy than usual in the weeks following the second child's birth, and prone to small bursts of anger, but it seems to be getting better of late. It's a good trick of Amy's, if she has the knack of outlining the issue directly and not turn things into an argument.

And have a good time on vacation. Sounds like there will be efforts to clear away some couple time from parent time during that period...

[Simon]

Jen,

Thanks for the note, and don't be a stranger if you want to come back again! My whole life revolves around the potential for extra nookie. (Well, not really, but it's sometimes fun to play the part.)

Moksha,

My lack of blogging is just your own excuse for not doing the same. Asshole. I don't need to ask your wife what kind you are! *ahem* You're right, though, in that it's allowing the little things to pile up the way they do and then reacting the way *I* typically do. God bless a wee dram (or not-so-wee) of Auchentoshan to sometimes take the edge off.

Mark,

I don't begin to believe that my experience is in any way a unique one. But it does feel better to vent a little. Probably part of why I can relate to you so easily is the alarming similarity not only in our relative situations (though by no means identical) but also in our means of expressing ourselves. May IS coming, thank goodness.

Amy (darling),

Thank you for pointing out my inner asshole when it's needed most. I think we both do a pretty good job of respecting the role we each fill in our little domestic heaven. Yes, it will change soon when you start working (for pay), but I know we can accommodate the change.

Émilie,

It comes and goes in waves, like you and Amy have pointed out. I really am looking forward to my little vacation. In a sort of "I'm going away so I can miss you" way. Good for everyone.

[Jayson Merryfield]

Isn't it a funny byplay in everyday married life, where sometimes you just want your own space (just another hour hon, honest, I've almost got this level finished and then I'm coming to bed) and sometimes it's all you can do to get some good quality time (really, I'll watch American Idol with you, just ignore my snide comments). And how too many waves in this little zen pool we've built up can really bring out the worst in us?

Thanks for reaffirming for me that married life is pretty damn good, even when it's pretty tough sledding.

[Mark]

Si - Originality not needed when venting. Nobody would ever be able to express feelings at all if that were the case.

You said what all those others keep stuffing down, was my basic point (if I even had one), and said it better than most could have.

[Moksha Gren]

I won't deny it. Your blog bog has done wonders to alieviate any guilt I would have otherwise felt about my own lack of content. Not that your slow down has come near my full-on stopage, but it helped. I'll assume you did that just to make me feel better.

While I am sorry to hear that you are feeling stressed of late, I can say that I truly appriciate your honesty here. Mark and you both have this quality about your writing. It's not just that you are both in situations similar to mine, but that you are so open about the often unflattering details. They might not be the most original thoughts, but they are always well written and they certainly are comforting...to me at least.

[Moonshot]

Simon -
I notice mostly just guys are chiming in with you here, but I too can identify with your feelings... and your spouse's helpful way of pointing out when they are getting out of control. My hubby tends to be a bit more oblique, though. He raises his eyebrows, tips his chin down, and asks if I might be getting hungry. Apparently I'm a bear when not fed regularly:)

[Tasha]

I'd just like to add that what you have so eloquently written applies to us working females as well as you males. You have expressed some of what I've been feeling myself of late. Especially after our second. Compounded by the fact that the vacation I was so desperately waiting for this week was eaten up completely with sick kids at home (and not at the daycare, as planned).

It's comforting knowing one is not alone. Great post!

[marian]

Yesterday, while this was all posted, we were receiving a foot of snow with 50 mph winds, so I had no internet. When I was a working mother with a young child I felt the same way coming home to my "second shift." I think that after a while you get over expecting the evenings to be anything but more work until you fall into bed exhausted and get up to do it all again.

Not to downplay how tough it all is raising kids the way we do, in such an isolated fashion, with no real community... but it helps to remember that it could be sooooo much worse. That's something that dawns when one of the kids has an accident or gets really sick and everything takes a nosedive. Or when one of you is suddenly completely out of commission for a period of time and you begin to long for the good old days.

Then, being able to come home from work and do the dishes seems like a luxury. I try to look at the day to day that way, which helps me focus more on the half full part of the glass.

Not to induce guilt, but to trick my mind into a different focus.

[Dave]

Ya really have to wonder though.... had you said the exact same thing to her, how she would have taken it... (and if you'd still be alive today to blog about it!) *LOL*