Edmonton winter: day 153*

Dear Diary,

Went to the front door early this morning with the intention of clearing the front walk and driveway of the night's accumulation of snow.  Upon opening the portal I was confronted with a monochromatic wall of hard-packed snow from toe to jamb.  Initial investigations with a broom handle revealed sufficient thickness to deter even as stalwart a digger as I.

Resorted to cracking open a bedroom window and climbing out that way, saved only by its being on the lee side of the house, and so marginally protected from the drifting effects of the gale-force winds.  Walking around to the front of the house took the better part of 15 minutes, blinded as I was by the driving snow and encumbered by wading through drifts as high as my hips.

Clearing the front door took until noon.  My right pinkie is turning black and, having lost both physical sensation as well as the nail, I may have to gnaw it off at the third joint to prevent the gangrene from spreading.

Lunch was the last box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, shared between four of us.  The dog just whined and we ignored him.  The weakest must be culled.  After lunch we let the dog out to attend to the call of nature, and inadvertently forgot about him for over an hour while watching some really cool battle scenes in the movie 300.  (It looks so warm in Sparta!)  Electricity, thankfully, has been mostly reliable, but the gas cut out some time in the middle of the night, so we have candles burning and all the elements on the electric stove are dialled up to Max.  We're doing what we can for the third degree burns on the oldest boy's hand, but we don't hold out much hope against amputation once an ambulance is able to make it to the house.  The smell of burnt flesh is making me hungry.  (My wife thinks that's gross, but I can see the primal look in her own eyes, too.)

Remembering the dog, I again dug out the build-up at the front door and waded through the backyard in the vain hope of an ad hoc search and rescue.  I found nothing but disappearing evidence of paw prints much too large to attribute to a Jack Russell, and can only surmise that our erstwhile canine companion succumbed to a ravening pack of wild wolves, emboldened by the encroachment of winter's icy grip, and so extending their range into the suburbs of Canadia.

I refuse to venture outside again alone, or as the slowest person in a group.

Water no longer flows from our taps.  A main burst several blocks away and that, combined with our lack of natural gas to heat what's in the house, has resulted in our having to melt snow to sustain ourselves.  There will be no shortage of water.  Or sponge baths.

Best as I can tell, supper is going to consist of what pretzel and goldfish cracker leavings can be scavenged from sofa cushions in the living room and the basement.  My sons' snacking inefficiencies, so long the root of much of my ire, may yet pull our family through this climatological nadir.  Mother Nature, it seems, is not without a sense of irony.

The worst blow, though, has struck at the very core of our moral fibre.  Hardy and resilient as we are, there's a part of me that quails at what we now have to endure.  Our high-speed wireless is out, and we have resorted to surfing the internet via a 56-k baud dial-up connection.

Please pray for us.

---------------------------------------------

* - this is not an arbitrary number; I checked, and the first permanent snowfall of the season was on 21st November 2007, which was 153 days ago.

Comments

[Alec]

It's really amazing how places of similar latitude can have such drastically different climates (as the French sorely discovered when they first settled in N.A.). I mean, Ottawa has been enjoying, what, 25 degree weather (that's 77 degrees for our south of the border friends)?

Of course, you probably don't want to hear about that kind of thing right now.

Anyway, hilarious prose...assuming some storytelling liberties have been taken. If not, then you are indeed a creepy, creepy man, but no doubt you will soon be dug out by a cluster of psych phd students anxious to study the effects of neverending winters on people.

[Simon]

Alec, what about the post would leave you thinking that *any* liberties were taken in the telling??

25 degrees in Ottawa? Christ... it's that here, too. In Fahrenheit.

[Mark]

I hope to gods that liberties were taken. 'Cuz with all that happened, we wouldn't want the wee ones seeing 300. Lost fingers, whether to frostbite or burn, and lost dogs, we can handle. But displaying all that bloody violence for their tiny eyes to see? The humanity!

[Moksha Gren]

My sympathies were stirred until you let your one, guarenteed food source run away to be enjoyed by wolves. Your survival instincts are lamentable, Mr. Simian, and it sadly seems your son will be the one to suffer for your oversight.

I would have been willing to open a chat session to share some of my survivalist tricks of the trade...but I'm just not willing to deal with your 56k connection.

But, I'll keep my (unfrostbitten) fingers crossed for ya.

[Simon]

Mark,

There *may* have been a few liberties taken. I cannot say which ones. (But no, we didn't let the wee ones watch 300. Instead, we re-enacted it for them.)

Moksha,

Amy would never have allowed me to eat Jango. "Accidentally" leaving him outside too long was my only means of eliminating him. Honest. And don't feel bad about not wanting to chat with me via 56k. I wouldn't have wanted to do that either.

[Dave]

Well, I sure hope the sunshine comes out soon for you...

(should I tell you we're heading for another 80+ degree day up here in CT?)

Fare well poor soul... resist the urge...

[Émilie B]

lol
Mommy Nature sure seems like she's out to get Alberta for something.

[Émilie B]

Oh, and I'm laughing at the prose, not your situation. Honest.

[marian]

I found nothing but disappearing evidence of paw prints much too large to attribute to a Jack Russell...

Just a bit of wishful thinking there, eh?

[andi]

Hmm, your post about this lovely bout of winter in spring was far more amusing than mine. I think I mostly whined. Seriously, wtf? Why is the bloody snow not melting? I want that weekend back where it was plus 25 and I was hanging out at the park with my kids. Please tell me we don't have to wait until July for that to happen...

[Simon]

Dave,

The weekend looks incredibly promising for warmer weather and lots of melting. Fingers crossed. Nothing in the 80+ range, mind you, but we ARE a wee bit further north, so I'll take what I can get right now.

Émilie,

I know you're not laughing at my situation. Really. You're above that. At least now we can all laugh at Manitoba and how they're getting what we got. HA!

Marian,

Not *really* wishful thinking. Just... well, idle daydreaming, say.

andi,

Thank you for providing someone with whom I can truly commiserate! WTF! indeed. If we have to wait until July... well, let's not really consider what that will mean, m'kay?

[BOB]

Saw this today and thought of you.

http://gizmodo.com/384850/i+shovel-the-autonomous-snow-shoveling-robot