The Century (3/4)

The penultimate instalment of my 100 Things.

I rarely get to use the word 'penultimate' in its proper context, so you can imagine my glee at being able to apply it above.

Items 51 through 75.

What new insights will be revealed about the Simian?

You must go below to see!

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51.  When asked what I wear under my kilt, my favourite reply is, "My wife's lipstick."  That is probably not her favourite reply.

52.  I have odd daydreams about what I would do if random celebrities or world personalities showed up at my door.  The strangest one was the Queen of England.  I would make her tea, thinking all the while of my grandmother who insists that you should 'hot the pot' before steeping.  I've seriously looked up the proper way to address British royalty, just in case.

53.  I really wish I had beautiful penmanship, but the combination of my lefthandedness and a propensity to try to write as quickly as I type turns it into a bit of a mess most of the time.

54.  I sometimes wonder what I'd do with my time if money weren't an issue, and then I think I should think about that more often than I do.

55.  Reading is one of the greatest pleasures I indulge in.  I pine for the days when I could laze away an entire afternoon in a rocking chair and be startled out of my reverie by the need to turn on a light because it had grown dark.

56.  I stopped wearing sweatpants to school when my adolescent body provided frequent, forcible reminders of what a sartorial faux pas that was.

57.  My tendency to be accommodating is, to me, the single most aggravating of my personality traits.  Especially as time passes and I am no longer as accommodating about the thing I didn't really want to accommodate anyway, thereby causing tension and, occasionally, strife.  I mean... CHRIST!

58.  My brother and I were quite young when we went on our first fabulous fishing getaway to a fly-in lake in northern Alberta with our dad.  It was there he taught us that some times are of such significance that appreciation can only be properly expressed with an earnest, "F--kin' A!"

59.  When I die I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered (likely over the lake in Number 58, to give the fish their due) so there is no physical memorial to my erstwhile corporeal self.

60.  More amusingly, I think it would be cool if somebody from the catering company accidentally mixed my ashes in with the coffee grounds for the beverages to be served at my wake, and everybody ended up with a little Sip o' Simon and grokked me in my fullness.  "Good coffee," they would say.  "Tastes a little nutty."

61.  Having moved west to Alberta in 1978, I sometimes regret being raised so far from all my relatives out in Ontario, and other times have been glad for the distance.  Now, with kids of my own, I tend a little more frequently to desire the closeness.

62.  'Pamplemousse' is my favourite French word.  It means 'grapefruit'.

63.  Our first son was a wedding night baby.  My wife and I both figured it'd take a LOT longer for her body to adjust to going off the pill.  We were wrong.  Which was good training for many of the other parenting assumptions we have made.

64.  Before getting married, I read a statistic where only 25% of North American couples consummate on their wedding night.  Talk about beating the odds!

65.  I have a slide rule and know how to use (most of) it.  Math is cool.

66.  My childhood dentist accused me of having a weight problem and suggested I drink water instead of juice all the time.  I ran crying to my mom's car after the appointment and we never went back to that dentist ever again.

67.  My first rock concert ever was Corey Hart.  I did my hair up spikey like his and wore a black Corey Hart tank top with his face on it.  I went with my mom.  I think I was 11.

68.  On my vacation to the Dominican Republic in 2001, the most shocking discovery I made was how incredibly salty the ocean tastes.  I mean I knew... I just didn't know it was THAT salty.

69.  I think through problems best when I write things out or talk out loud to myself.

70.  Canada has more coastline than any other country in the world, and I've never been to any of it.  (Well, I was on Vancouver Island last weekend, but didn't actually touch any sea water.)

71.  I think Cheetos cheese puffs are the greatest snack food the world has ever known.  You know you've had enough when the fluorescent orange layer of goo on your finger and thumb is a couple millimetres thick.  Tangentially, Coffee Crisp is the greatest chocolate bar the world has ever known, and there is only one right way to eat one.

72.  I celebrated my vasectomy by hosting a Star Wars marathon that consisted of all six movies plus the two animated Clone Wars DVDs.  Nobody I invited showed up, but I had a huge bag of Cheetos all to myself.  I didn't start to nod off until halfway through Jedi, after 2 AM.

73.  I eat Kentucky Fried Chicken about once a year to remind myself why not to eat any for the next year.

74.  I still staple all my papers the exact same way my grade 9 science teacher insisted we hand in assignments: 1 centimetre from the top left corner at a 45º angle.

75.  My signature is essentially the same today as it was in grade 6, when I copied the stylised "S" from a classmate named Shaun because I thought he was cool.

Comments

[Mark]

To begin to address many of these would be futile, because so many sound just like me.

Specifically: 53, 54, 55, 56, 57 (in a big way), 59 (except the location).

61 - Being close has advantages that outweigh the dis(advantages).

69 - I do this, too. A couple times I've pretended I was singing when folks walked around a corner to meet my talking through something. It's a shame, too, because I'm a good singer, and that's not a good way to represent.

71 - So, show us the proper way, you tease! Gah!

72 - I totally would have been there.

[Alec Lynch]

#70:

It's amazing the tendencies and personalities that Canadians pick up based on their region. The ocean is so much a part of everyone that grows up in Nova Scotia, that it's the first place we visit whenever we travel away from it for a significant amount of time.

The fog, of course, soon comes to us.

[elizabeth]

#59 - Ah, but the men your sons become shall be such a memorial, Simon.

[Moksha Gren]

#53 - I long ago gave up this dream. My penmanship has resembled a 2-year-old's scribbles ever since I was a 2-year-old scribbling. I'm slightly embarrassed of it...but generally, I've made my peace with it.

#55 - I remember those days fondly. [sigh]

#57 - I would agree mostly. I dig my heals in occasionally, so I can't jump on thi sone fully (for fear my wife will come out here and challange the assertion.) But generally...I'm a bit too easy going, maybe.

#59 - Absolutely. Don't know that location...but agree with the sentiment. Take out as many organs as might help someone then destroy the rest. As much as I love the peace of a graveyard...I'd feel a little guilty taking up as much space dead as I did while alive.

#60 - "That's not herb tea...that's Herb!!" (for you Night Court fans) Also, Keith Richards snorted a little line of his Dad. Oddly touching given the source.

#61 - We're about 2.5 hours from the closest grandparent and it would be super sweet to be closer. It's just close enough to warrent frequent visits, but far enough away that they are a pain.

#64 - We fell in the 75% range on that one. We lay there, exhausted, joking about how pathetic we were. Matrimonial bonding of a different kind, I suppose.

#65 - I frequently entertain fantasies about going back to school to become a math teacher. It's just sad how many kids just never get shown how cool this stuff really is.

#66 - Gee, Simon Drew...don't blame the messenger ;)

#67 - Saw Warrant/Trixter/Firehouse in a farmer's field with a slapdash stage when I was 13 or so. It was THE concert that came to our little town. Ask anyone my age who grew up in my area and they will wax nostaligically about that show. Big, big event at the Lake of the Ozarks.

#68 - I mean, how can water BE that salty and still be liquid? I, too, was stunned. It's a big melted salt-lick.

#69 - I mumble and gesture a lot. And if I really need the gears to turn...I have to pace or walk.

#71 - Cheetos should be crunchy!

#72 - My invite must have gotten lost in the mail.

I have a standing plan with my friend Paul to do the full marathon. It just keeps getting put off.

#75 - My signature hasn't changed much since high school either. You can kinda sorta make out the first few letters of my first and last name...but the rest is pretty much abstract 2-year-old scribbles.

PS - best answer I've ever heard to #51!

[Simon]

Mark, yeah, I figured you'd say something like that. Colour me unsurprised. :)

Alec, it's one of my greatest current regrets that I have so much of my own country left to discover.

Elizabeth, thank you. I truly hope so.

[Simon]

Moksha, we cross-commented there. (Check out the time stamp.) I appreciate that I'm prompting such complete responses. That's awesome! Your "Herb tea" response was exactly what I was thinking when I wrote that one. Remember when there were a few sitcoms on TV that were GOOD?

[Émilie B]

#62 - You'd think with the word "mousse" inserted in, that fruit would be a little sweeter.

I, too, have never been to Canada's coastlines (if you don't count the St.Lawrence river by extension). I've seen the sea only twice, once in France, and once in Massachussets. How silly is that?

[Marc]

Ah pamplemousse. I enjoy that word, too, if only because I insist on pronouncing it PAM-PULL-MOOSE (hmmmm...I've never made that connection and don't wish to consider it further).

Anyway, you've inspired me to have another go at my own list...