This is madness!

I flipped through my pocket calendar last night and reminded myself of something I intend to do next month.  As any card-carrying geek will know, May marks the 30th anniversary of the release of the very first Star Wars movie.  The 25th of May, 1977.  My dad couldn't have known what he was getting me into back then, but at only two and a half years old, that was the first movie I EVER saw in a theatre.  I can't really think of a better way to begin my life.

In honour of that event, every single post I make during May will be titled with a Star Wars quotation.  I have often claimed that there is a Star Wars or a Monty Python quote for ANY occasion.  May will put the first half of that assertion to the test, since I intend for each title to be topical to the post.  Today's is just a primer.

(It comes from the very first line of that very first movie where C-3PO is in a state of panic and can't shut up about it to R2-D2: "Did you hear that?  They've shut down the main reactor!  We'll be destroyed for sure.  This is madness!")

*****

This, too, is madness

Over the past few months, Amy has attended three (!!) Home Pleasures parties.  One of the only purchases I feel comfortable sharing is a board game disarmingly called Embrace.  It scares me that it is made with up to six players in mind.  There are three levels of question cards, and we played a round with the first level a few weeks ago.  (I think a complete game with the level three cards would take the better part of a day -- and that's with only two players.)  In addition to the cards, players can land on two different spots that elicit a Truth or Dare response.  One of the dares my wife lovingly foisted on me was to write a short story with the two of us in one of my own fantasy settings.

(She was very quick to add the caveat that at no point is a Princess Leia gold bikini allowed to play a role.)

I was given a week to write it, but that deadline passed two weeks ago.  I've written nothing yet, and really, I could be doing that instead of this right now.  Amy's puttin' the pressure on.  But I really want, uh, to perform well, you know?  And keep my mind out of the gutter.  No purple-helmeted warriors; that sort of thing.  Somehow combine my rapier wit with my rapacious appetite and come across as 'classy'.  Wish me luck.  (No, I'm not going to post it here!)

*****

Yet a third bit of madness

I woke up Tuesday morning to a dim filter of pre-dawn light wandering in the living room, coaxing me toward the window.  I peered through the curtains and can think of no better way to describe how I felt than to say I was utterly crestfallen.  It has been a very long time since that's applied to me.  My shoulders drooped.  My face slackened.  I think my right eye twitched.  I know I sighed deeply and mournfully.  It had snowed during the night.  It was still snowing while I watched.  It was still snowing every time I peered around the corner from my windowless office down the hall towards the glass doors of my trailer.  All day.  Big, fat, wet, mocking, fucking flakes of snow.

It almost all melted this weekend, then we got another three inches Tuesday, and I can only think it came out of spite.  Of course I'm driven to poetry:

Winterlewd

The memory of summer gambols mocks my every day;
I wish the snow that fell just now would go the fuck away.
Winter's grip was mostly loosed, the roads were dry and gritty,
But then it snowed, roads grew slick, and I feel sorta shitty.

Why, just last week I took my boys out on a shopping trip;
The sun was out, the wind was calm, I did a little skip!
I wore my shorts and running shoes, togged up fun and tasty;
I didn't pay no nevermind that my legs was dry and pasty.

But the sun it hid ere long 'twas out and winter clouds grew black,
And the spectre of unflinching cold threw long claws in my back.
I yearn and pine and crave and cry that Spring should ease my pain,
For all I see, relentless snow, where should be April rain.

Good riddance, Winter!  Get thee gone! Thy time is truly up!
Darling buds and honeydew await my earthen cup.
You can flail all you want, I see you about to pass;
And as my gambols start once more, I'll kick you in the ass.

Comments

[Alvis]

Home Pleasure, eh?

You've got quite the wife. ;)

I think I would let my wife go to parties like that as often as she wanted.

[Mark]

That's an ambitious mission. A new Star Wars quote every day, relevant to your post. Hmm... makes me want to commemorate the movie's anniversary in some way... I'll have to think on that one.

Loved the poem, man. Modern scholars can slam rhyming poetry all they want, but I like it when used properly.

[Jenn]

So many things...

1) I grooved on the poem too and want you to come kick winter's ass in our backyard too

2) Did your Home Pleasures Vixen start a blog??? I can't wait

3) Was there a post I missed, responding to the odd semi-accusation about an extramarital affair?

[Moksha Gren]

Only up to six players? Booooring ;)

Sorry to hear about the snow. I know you're on the verge of insanity up there. At least it's poetic insanity. Even better...vulgar poetic insanity.

I look forward to the Star Wars quotathon and have every faith in your ability to suceed.

Finally...while I certainly wouldn't expect you to post your story, I'm hoping for a general idea of the setting. Aboard the Falcon? A hammock on Serenity? The bridge of the Galactica? I don't really want to know the details...but I'm mildly curious where your imagination runs when given free rein.

Good luck.

[Amy]

I came up with the story idea thinking he would be all over it with his love for literature, I am thinking that maybe he is just not up to the challenge (wink wink nudge. All of my dares were taken care of within a few days.

[Simon]

Alvis, yes I really do have quite the wife. I don't count my blessings nearly as often as I probably should.

Mark, I think the quote thing will be pretty easy, really. And I share you sentiment on rhyming poetry. Maybe I'm just simple that way, but I don't really care.

Jenn,
1) if I could find my way down to the Berkshires, I totally would kick winter for you too;
2)yes she started a blog! Here it is;
3) it was weird that you commented on that post with the comment about the extra-marital affair bit, since I wrote it back in February - that was, like, two months ago! But I did pen a reply, which you can read here if you wish!

Moksha, vulgar poetry is some of the most fun. It's easier to get away with than just being vulgar in conversation. When you wrote 'quotathon' I thought at first you were affecting a lisp. Then I realised you weren't, but still thought it was funny. I'll see what I can do about posting *general* information about that story. We'll see...

[Monique]

So, is there going to be some sort of Star Wars 30th anniversary Party? I am totally in! We could watch a marathon of Star Wars, wear costumes, eat popcorn! It would be a glorious thing! I'm inviting myself over.....

[Amy]

I forgot to mention my latest purchase from HPP is a new board game called "who is the biggest pervert" I should have it next week. This one encourages more than two players anyone up for it???

[TerriTorial]

Funny it is not on May 4th....you know

May the 4th be with you.

[Mark]

Um, nobody's responded to Amy yet, so I'm in.

[Tasha]

I'll totally lose, but I'll play.

[Simon]

I'm mostly sure Amy would kick everybody's ass in that game. But that won't stop me from playing!

[Moksha Gren]

I don't think I can hold a candle to either of the Frasers in this game...but I'll play.

[Amy]

What?! Do we have some kind of reputation???

[Moksha Gren]

Well, if you don't currently have such a reputation, Amy, I'm going to do my best spread the rumors of one. And really...by the very fact that you've issued an Internet challenge to play "Who is the biggest pervert" in a post in which your husband admits to being forced to write sex lit for you...gives a fair chance that the biggest pervert may be you.

And I totally mean that as a complement. ;)

[Amy]

Well, when you put it that way. However I didn't say it needed to be hard core porn lit...
By the way, I think you could be putting on some sort of cover. You may be a close second to my apparent pervy wits. I say this cause I was driving Si's truck last night and he had your disk playing. Anyone who listens to a song called "kiss me I'm shitfaced" is not an innocent man by nature. there were some others but for some reason, that is the only title I can remember. I will admit, I enjoyed the tunes. I was going to say the beats but thought that would start a whole new conversation. No paddles or whips here. Okay I have a whip but is an old retired cat toy.

[Moksha Gren]

A Cover? Who? Me?

I thought for sure I was busted when you brought up the Gren cd. But, you missed the most incriminating piece of evidence there. Cuz, while I like the Dropkick Murphies and thier shitfaced ways...I didn't write that song. I cannot so easily avoid blame for all the songs on that cd.

Now wait. You expect me to accept that your kinky little whip is somehow less kinky because it had a previous life as a cat toy? I'd contend that converting household objects into sex toys is actually more perverted than just leaving the toy creation to the experts.

Sicko ;p

You have reminded me of a story...and I'm feeling long-winded...so I'm gonna tell it.

We're in Tucson, AZ for an industry conference and me and the rest of my company's shareholders are sitting around the dinner table in a rather nice resturant. Jill from Kansas is chatting with Twyla from Oklahoma about Twyla's love of romance novels.

Jill: Admit it, Twylla, you just read them for the sex scenes.

Twylla: Oh, absolutely. I like the dirty ones

Jill: How dirty are you talking? (Now Jill, should have known better than to ask this...but such is hindsight.)

Twylla, in her booming voice: Well, there ain't no clitty lickin' if that's what yer talkin' about, but it's plenty enough to get me all hot and bothered.

Dead silence from the rest of the table followed by Jill and I exploding in laughter.

[Mark]

Google searches should bring some "interesting" people to this post. ;-)

I just want to say that sex talk is fun because, well, it's about sex.

[Linda]

In case you were wondering where I was, I'm reading. Just behaving. It hurts.

[Moksha Gren]

I read a funny thing somewhere and wanted to share.

"No, what I find to be irritating is how the vast majority (seemingly) of Canadians start to bitch and moan about the weather. 'It's too cold; it's snowing again; the roads are slippery; I'm tired of shoveling; I hate brushing the car off...' Ad nauseum [...] It's Canada, people! There is snow on the ground for 6 months of the year in most of the country. It was that way last year, it's gonna be that way next year."
Simian Farmer circa 2004