In brief, the rules

I decided, rather whimsically, to participate in one of the viral phenomena that circulates around this virtual realm and furthers evidence for the claim that we are nothing but some new incarnation of Ourobourus.  Who am I to presume something so grand and ephemeral as free will?  Or an ability to resist temptation?

So, with both feet, I jump in:

Five Things You Probably Didn't Know About Me

(And You'd Likely Have Been Better Off That Way.)

1.  I frequently contemplate fluid dynamics (namely: laminar versus turbulent flow) and the marvel that is surface tension whenever I observe my urine stream.

2.  I can eat an entire McDonald's cheeseburger in a single bite.  It takes me about five minutes to chew and is, for all involved, a fairly grotesque experience.

3.  In grade two I arrived late for school one morning to find my classroom completely empty.  I felt the call of nature, but it was superseded by a groundless yet overriding fear of the kindly janitor with the thick foreign accent who roamed the halls and punished truancy (in my mind) with mop handle beatings.  My class returned from the gymnasium to find me cowering in the cloak room and I spent the rest of the morning with a small turd in my pants.

4.  My first two-wheeler was a hand-me-down from one of my babysitter's daughters.  The bike had solid rubber tires and was garishly, femininely pink.  It was a Barbie bike.

5.  I first told the woman who would be my wife that I loved her during the third week of November, 2001.  I had just returned from a leadership course where being away from her had cemented my feelings for her.  This summer will mark six years together, four of them married.

(See?  I told you.)

**********

As an added bonus, my wife told me (warned me?) last night that, starting in February, every second Friday - for the next TEN MONTHS! - there will be a Stamp Club hosted in our house for her Stampin' Up independent business venture.

I inadvertently amused myself far more than expected when I launched into an impromptu speech on the rules to be followed:

"The first rule of Stamp Club is: you do not talk about Stamp Club.

The second rule of Stamp Club is: you DO NOT TALK about Stamp Club!

The third rule of Stamp Club is: if someone runs out of card stock or glue stick, the stamping's over.

The fourth rule of Stamp Club is: no shirts, no shoes.  [woo-hoo!]

The fifth rule of Stamp Club is: the stamping will go on as long as it has to.

The sixth rule of Stamp Club is: if this is your first night at Stamp Club, you will stamp."

By the end of this nonsense I was on my knees in the kitchen laughing til the tears ran down my face, my wife looming over me wondering why the hell she ever bothered to bear my children.  Sometimes I wonder too.

Comments

[TerriTorial]

I loved that movie! Thanks for bringing it up, I may have to rent it again.

We should have traded bikes. I had a mean green bike with apehanger bars and a big banana seat with a high sissy bar on the back.

[Moksha Gren]

1. I can get lost watching fluid move for hours. Explaining to people why it's so freakishly fascinating is, however, very difficult if they don't get it.

2. I knew a guy in college whose claim to fame was his ability to eat buffalo chicken wings...bones and all. It was oddly entertaining in a college cafateria sort of way.

3.Um...I got nothin'

4. When I lived in the French Quarter, we all went to a second hand shop and bought cheap bikes. Mine was a beautiful blue girl-bike that got me many strange looks. I didn't care...it got me where I needed to go. I named her "Kaluza's Dream" since it would require at least five dimensions to describe the various ways she wobbled and vibrated.

5. Nice finish. And congrats.

Stamp Club - I join Amy in shaking my head (although I secretly laughed at rule 4)

[Mark]

I, too, like rule 4. My wife sometimes hosts Bunco here at our house, and is in a women's book club. At first, when either of these is held at our house, I was completely banished from the house.

I'll do the five things, too. One of them happened during my banishment, and forever changed that rule. I just hope I haven't already written about it.

[Linda]

What a hilarious post. Hate to burst your bubble dude, but Stamping and No Shirt can be way treacherous. Some women get really vigorous with those little blocks of wood. Not to mention the ink pads. Oh and the paper cutters. God forbid... You'll have to confer with Mokker about Piano Night Banishing Activities for Children and Fathers. Maybe you could organize a chapter of Fight Club. Ssshhh. (That's one of my favorite movies. Which reminds me, Hazel borrowed it months ago...)

[Moksha Gren]

Just wanted to swing by and wish you enjoyable haggis!

[Linda]

Tonight's your Big Night Simon and I'm late and you're probly gone. I wanted to wish you a wonderful time. Looking forward to reading details and seeing pictures later.
And hope your back is feeling up to the occasion.

[Simon]

Moksha & Linda,

It's Friday night, actually, that's the dinner. The local Burns society strayed away from hosting the dinners always on the 25th since it proved too hard for the septuagenarians to stay up that late on a school night... or something like that. So now it's always on the closest convenient weekend day. But it will be great fun, I assure you.

[Moksha Gren]

Well then why in the hell have you been drilling into our heads for the last month that this shindig is "exacly one month after Christmas"? I was all proud of myself (and proud of Linda as well) for taking such care to remember these things that matter to our friend Simon. And then it turns out you'd been playing sloppy with the dates.

Fine. Then enjoy your haggis TONIGHT.

[Linda]

*red face* Simon actually DID painstakingly explain the exact formula for deciphering the celebration day to me and I still got it wrong... Never again, though. ;-)

[Sarah]

Excellent. On your knees and crying is the best way to laugh.

[Monique]

The seventh rule of stamp club is: if you've never been to stamp club, you can't make rules about stamp club.

See you at the next stamp club meeting! :)