Colourful expressions

I'm not normally one for excessive linkage, but I was browsing the MeFi threads and stumbled upon one that had me giggling uncontrollably at my desk.

There were a LOT of responses to the request for 'colourful expressions', but these ones were my (sometimes guilty) favourites.  Check below the fold since some were rather less than tasteful.

(It may be appropriate to note here that November will not see a huge quantity of compositional highs, but I do intend to have a new bit of tripe every day at 12.01 AM, MST.)

They couldn't get hit if it were raining hammers

Ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag

She's been cocked more times than Davy Crocket's musket

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe

It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there

I be busting more shit than an incontinent man at a chili cookoff

Nuttier than rat shit in an Almond Joy factory

Crazier than a soup sandwich

He's one ass-kicking away from being a pretty nice fella

A few farts short of a vindaloo

Queer as a football bat

He couldn't pour piss out of a boot if you wrote how-to instructions on the heel

A few scuds short of a gulf crisis

She had a face like a pan full of fried foreskins

So bucktoothed, he could eat grapes through a picket fence

Putting the laughter back in manslaughter

I'd hit it so hard it would take the future King of England to pull me out

Like a rabid wolverine on crack with an uzi

I'm busier than a one-armed pimp in a bitch-slapping contest

I'm so hungry I'd eat the asshole out of menstruating skunk

Going down like a cheerleader after the prom

I didn't know whether to shit or go blind, so I closed one eye and farted

Your John Wayne mouth is writing checks your Don Knotts ass can't cash

Comments

[TerriTorial]

ROFLMAO! Thos are great!!!

Is it bad that the retard one made me laugh out loud?

[Linda]

How addicting! I went there and started reading and got caught up like a one-legged man in a hopscotch marathon. (I'm sorry, I'm still on medication and spaced out like a lunatic on a NyQuil Binge.) ;-P

[E-Belle]

Howww Niiice.... *wink*

I guess I have to check now and see if there're any there that are as good as we Southanah's can dish out. One of my personal favorite disses is "He's so dumb, his brain would roll around on the head of a pin like a b.b. on a six-lane highway....God love 'im" (very important, that last bit. Anytime a Southanah starts a sentence with that, you know they're about to say something less than flattering.)

[Mark]

These are great, especially the last two.

E-Belle, I must say, "God love'im" is interchangeable with "bless his heart." You're pointing out a fact, not trying to be mean about it, right?

[E-Belle]

EXACTLY, Mark. To both points :) You a local boy?

I once heard someone say "Bless her heart, she jest cain't help them hips".

I love livin' down here.

[Mark]

Born and reared (and still living in) the South. So, is that local?