Simon Drew the big fat poo

I am not a fat man.  I ate my way into the ranks of the medically 'obese' in my second year of university, but I've otherwise maintained myself in a constant flux of variable pudge over the past 30-ish years.

On her fridge, my mother has a picture of my brother and me seated on our back step (when we still lived in Ontario) eating a couple of Ritz crackers.  We were about two and four at the time, respectively.  I think that's the last time I would have been slender and it's silly that I think about it so much.

My fashion statement in elementary school consisted of sweat pants and loose-fitting clothes.  That changed to jeans and loose-fitting clothes in junior high.  Not because I slimmed down, but sweat pants on a pubescent boy, I quickly learned, are like a campground on May Long Weekend: somebody's gonna pitch a tent right quick.

My eating habits were the shits, growing up.  I came home from school and I instinctively snacked.  Often two slices of buttered bread.  Or maybe an entire sleeve of Saltines or Ritz crackers, smeared with that cheese goo I can't find anymore you squish out of the sausage-shaped plastic tubing.

I've used food as a crutch for very many things in my life.  When you think about it, it's one of the most pleasurable and sensual activities one can enjoy with minimal effort.  How many other activities simultaneously trigger all five of the physical senses?  How alluring and addictive is that?

Off the top of my head I can say I've used food as an escape from guilt, sexual frustration, indecisiveness, unpleasant responsibility, worry, stress, anger, fear, hurt and - the ubiquitous culprit - boredom.  Almost any unpleasant sensation can be quelled, to a degree, by eating.

It's a temporary preoccupation that so fully engages one in the activity that mental faculties are largely suspended for that brief respite.  And since the suspension lasts only as long as the eating, there's the temptation to keep eating to stave off whatever it is that's not nearly so pleasurable as that entire bag of Cheetos.  A terrible vicious circle.

The stress of sliding grades and an unfulfilled desire to get laid and have a relationship in university drove my weight up to 240 pounds, aided and abetted by lots of beer 'n hot wings.  I've always worn my weight well, but not so much then.  Taking a year off school and away from the environment so damaging to me was one of the best things I did.  By the time I graduated I had succeeded at least marginally in all areas that originally induced consumption of mass quantities.

I made the conscious choice at the end of a bad relationship to channel my self-pity into a renewed drive to exercise.  I started to run.  I played squash.  At my physical peak (such as it was) I ran 40 to 50 km a week and played squash six days out of seven.  I was finally under 180 pounds for the first time since junior high.  I entered two half marathons and ran each in under two hours.  Physically, I felt fucking awesome.

I noticed that my sense of self confidence escalated exponentially and I smiled like I knew something others didn't.  Exercise was the new drug and I was having fun doing it, and it was good for me.  Food was a means to an end and no longer a diversion.  I never would have had the confidence to approach the woman who would become my wife if I hadn't reached that point.

Having kids makes it really easy to stray from healthy habits and fall back onto a path of least resistance.  I stopped playing squash; I rarely ran.  I got a gym membership that went largely unused but for a brief flurry of morning forays.  (Steam room was nice though.)  I crept back up over 200 pounds earlier this year.  I told myself that free time outside work had been abdicated in favour of domestication and perceived responsibility to my family.

That's not true.  It's just a lot harder to carve out a niche.  The last couple months I've been doing that.  I get up between 5 and 5.30 and head down to the basement.  Instead of investing in any sort of weight set, I spent 20 bucks on a 12-lb sledge hammer and start my mornings by flinging it about in a series of 'useful movements'.  (The incredible dorkiness of that sort of workout is part of the appeal.)  Then I go for a 5-k run on the treadmill. (I ran outside until the end of September -- I'm a fair weather runner.)  Finally, I do some squats and push-ups.  I stretch, go have a shower and feel great.  Energy level is nearing a high.

The hard part is that first minute after the alarm goes off -- early morning initiative is an elusive bitch.  Writing it down like this helps keep it going.  And still, there are days when the laundry's not done til midnight and the baby wakes up at two and won't go back to sleep, and his crying wakes the toddler... I end up skipping those mornings.

(The post title, by the way, is my most memorable and least-favourite nickname culled from somewhere in my grade school days.)

Comments

[Mark]

That's gotta be tough Simon. I don't know what it's like to be medically obese or fat, or whatever one wants to call it, but I know how it feels to be out of shape. Except for that Walking and Jogging class in college (hey, it was PE credit), I've spent my entire adult life in that state. I get frustrated when I try to hike or backpack with a group that actually does it regularly.

I started working out on September 1, almost exclusively for the cardiovascular benefit. Except for a five-day period in early October, I've gone three days a week. Maybe we can hold each other accountable.

[JuJuBee]

Count me in. Well, obviously I can't really start a regime for a month or so yet, but I'M SO IN. Please, hold me accountable because I know I won't.

[Sheryl]

I think you look great, and never would have guessed that you were once overweight. You have my immense admiration for exercising (a torture worse than the root canal, IMO).

[marian]

I realized early on in life that I simply couldn't afford the devastating decrease in self-esteem that went with being overweight or out of shape. It was a struggle for many years but after a while, it becomes a habit, like brushing your teeth or taking a shower -- something you do because you prefer the way it feels when you do it. Unlike yourself, however, I am not disciplined enough to give myself a hard workout alone. That's why I prefer group exercise. I push myself way harder in a group than I would alone...

And still, there are many days when I don't want to, but I know I'll feel better if I do, so I force myself. The virtues of forcing oneself can be great. I used to have this up on my refrigerator: Do not sacrifice long-term goals for short-term pleasure.

[TerriTorial]

I'm up super early working out too, but I do go to the gym. I'll think of you and your Sledge Hammer when I am working on that damn Cybex machine at 6 a.m and smile knowing I am not alone.

[Moksha Gren]

A wise man once said, "We used to run to eat, but now people run to burn off excess food."

I'll admit that I've never had this issue. I was blessed with excellent health genes that allowed me to eat what I wanted, work out a moderate amount, and stay fit and trim. The downside to this is that it's made me lazy. While I did decrease my consumption as I cruised through my 20s, I have not increased my physicality. In fact, with my wife's pregancy and now with Norah's presence in our home...I don't work out at all. I've seen my weight slide from a rather toned 185 down to around 165 or so. Doesn't sound so bad until you realize that what whithered was muscle. My lazy lifestyle and meatless diet has let me a stick-figure caricature of my former beefy self. I have begun to set the alarm, encourging me to go down to my weight set and work out like I once did in the mornings...I have yet to answer the call to duty.

Who knows...perhaps your post will motivate me tomorrow morning. I'll reach over to shut off the high-pitched annoyance and think of you...swinging your sledge hammer. Thanks for the motivational image.

[Marc]

Oh man, this makes me feel self-conscious. Up until a few months ago I was in the 225-230 range. Without much effort I lost 15lbs over the summer. I'm still overweight, according to the CBC BMI tester. It looks like I'd have to lose another 35lbs in order to be a healthy weight. This would put me at 180, which I haven't weighed since high school. My doctor only expressed concern over my weight once I passed 225.

Do you have any idea what I'd look like if I weighed 180lbs? I'd be skin and bones. Not healthy.

At any rate, I can certainly afford to lose another 15lbs at least. But 35 is too much.

[Simon]

Mark & Ju:
Don't think I won't do it. Expect emails.

Sheryl:
I'm coming to be of the mind that Marian expressed just below your comment. I can't abide the feelings associated with packing around more than I want to be, and I'm working away at it.

Terri:
In a non-sexual way, I'll be thinking of you sweating away in the morning too.

Moksha:
You prick. I had a friend like you in high school who, when he reported back from a doctor's visit, was told that he could have bacon and eggs for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day and hardly suffer for it. (I don't really think you're a prick, but I do envy that metabolic supercharge.)

[Mark]

I'm here to defend Moksha. I am a lot like him, except that I was never "beefy." I'm 5'11" and never weighed a pound over 163 (my weight right now). I only hit 150 at about age 30.

North Texas has put almost 10 pounds on me in the year-point-25 we've been here.

A cranky ticker runs in my family, so that's my main motivation.

Territorial - Is that an elliptical "bike" you ride? That's what I use. Feels damn good after a good workout, too.

[Moksha Gren]

A Prick? [Wipes a tear from his eye] ;)
I hesitated to even post...since I know my concern over my weight loss is typically greeted with anger in discussions like this. And while I usually feel very blessed to have my high metabolism, my wife reminds me that it has really only become an enviable trait rather recently. Believe me, in an evolutionary sense...I am a failure. My body wastes vast amounts of energy and can't store any. While that's cool today...it would have been a pretty big burden not so long ago. Basically my ancestors were cursed with a gene that was just waiting for the television/automobile/desk job to be invented.

[Linda]

I am a Prick, I guess by the standards set here at the Farm. But don't think I don't realize how fortunate I am, especially since eating is like, my third favorite pasttime in the world (right after dancing). But I desperately need toning and the cardio thing. I keep putting it off and I know one day (soon) I will be regretting that. I say we all make some sort of resolve and all get together like, a year from now to congratulate eachother. I'll volunteer JuJu's house for a meeting place. ;-)

[the Mater]

Well, from your online photos, you sure hide the extra weight well.

It's hard to be a super dad, super hubby, superman with a ton of responsibilities and find time for a disciplined weight-loss program.

If the sledgehammer thing works, find an agent and pitch the "program" - get yourself on TV and make big bucks as the next fitness guru. You'll become wealthy over night, get to quit your job, get an au pair for the boys, and hire your own personal trainer.

Good luck, Si :>)

[Penny]

Got lot's of catching up to do!!! I, too, have an unusual workout routine....I get up at 6:30 and jump-rope for 30 minutes...makes me feel like a kid again and I get to watch the sun rise from my sun-room...go on with your bad self, Simon!!! :) Penny

[Moksha Gren]

Just wanted to swing by and say thanks. I actually got up this morning. I worked out, wrote a little something, and feel more well rested than I do when I over sleep. So, thanks for the push.