Bozo drivers

If there is one human sentiment that is well-nigh universal, it's a contempt for stupid drivers.  The brusquely understated corollary to that is the assertion that it's always somebody else who's the bad driver.

The undeniable urge when presented with a bad driver is a NEED to see what that person looks like, because they must look stupid.  They must have their finger up their nose to the second joint, or be eating a protein bar while talking on the cell phone and applying mascara, or have a baby on her lap confined by nothing more than a languorously bejewelled forearm, or have on a ten-gallon hat proclaiming for all who see that his belt buckle is large enough to serve dinner for two, and paved roads are a luxury where he comes from, so goddammit he's going to enjoy this one at his own pace.

These are the people who signal right for 15 blocks, veer into the left turn lane and are oblivious to the accident they almost cause.  They travel 10 km under the speed limit in the fast lane on the highway.  Don't even get me started on the yahoos who stop at a red light and then continually inch their cars forward until the light turns green.  That's great, because now you've saved enough time to hit the Tim Hortons drive-thru for that large double-double.

At every opportunity, I have to speed up or slow down just to see - to confirm - that these people look stupid.  Always.  And then, where appropriate, give them that incredulous stare-with-the-subtle-head-shake that loudly proclaims, "I just want you to know that I saw what you did there (don't think I didn't), and your moronic act has been noted."

My wife and I were discussing this last night and she reminded me of an incident that happened very early in our relationship and which had skipped my mind.

When we shared a basement suite before the house we're in now, I would come home from the gym across the river, up the hill and pull into the driveway.  There was one evening I was driving up the hill and got stuck behind a plodding, rusty Honda Civic.  Plodding like I could have gotten out and jogged up the hill faster.  I was angst-ridden almost immediately.  Much gnashing of teeth and white-knuckling of the steering wheel.  Invectives and such.  The first chance I got, spotting a hole in the next lane, I peeled out and around the miscreant, and whipped my head to the side so I could get a good look at (and possibly assail with a contemptuous glare) him who had so inconvenienced me.

There, hunkered over the steering wheel - both hands at 12 o'clock - red, curly hair all askew, make-up still applied perfectly, nose dominating the face, white gloves, sporting a pitiably morose expression and with his propeller beanie listing to one side -- was a clown.

I fucking lost it.  I was then only four blocks from home and laughed hysterically the whole way.  Bad drivers have been tinged with a shading of tolerance (and hope of seeing that again) ever since.

Comments

[Grampa]

That is the perfect noun, with no adjectives required, to describe these Bozos.......CLOWNS. That is much nicer than the usual language they imbue.

[Linda]

I didn't see that coming! lol
You know what really pisses me off, and it happens so often since I'm working nights... The ass hats who drive before it's daylight with no headlights. They are usually gray trucks for some reason and you can't effing see them until they're right in front of you. I'm sure they think they can see just fine...

[Mark]

In our area, my pet peeve are the folks who drive in pitch black with parking lights only. What exactly is the point?

What a great story, Simon. Writers would kill to make up stuff that funny (and, of course, there are those who witness such events, but have no talent for putting it to paper).

[TerriTorial]

Great story. Thanks for the morning giggle with my coffee.

[Paul]

There's a comedian - whose name now fails to come to mind - who suggest that every driver should be given one of those guns that shoots little flags on suction cups, and one (1) only little red flag to go with it. When you see someone else do something stupid, you shoot your flag at his car. If a cop sees a car driving along with more than five little flags stuck to it he can pull it over and give the driver a ticket...for being a dick.

[Simon]

Paul, that sounds like something the late, great Mitch Hedberg would have said. Would that it were true.

[Matthew Frederick Davis Hemming]

Myself I avoid the urge to add the driver's visage to my mental database of what contemptibly thick fucktards look like, and focus instead on patterning the sort of vehicle they drive.

This way, instead of waiting to pass the damn cow in order to see what kind of a goof they are, I already know by nature of their vehicle. For instance, a good rule of thumb is that nearly everybody who drives a Ford Escort is oblivious; Nissan Sentras are opportunists; F1 pickups are defensive about their masculinity; and so on.

While it may be true to say many women use the brake to excess, it isn't politically acceptable. However it is perfectly kosher to point out that people who drive Toyota Echos and Ford Focus' make flagrant abuse of brake-tapping when anxious (in this case leaving the correlation between vehicle choices and gender to the statisticians).

Honda Civics can't be trusted. Volkswagen Golfs are usually well behaved if you don't threaten their sense of importance. Nissan Muranos don't know how big they are. Black Mercedes-Benz' don't use their signals, but silver ones do.

However, I confess to being entirely ignorant on the subject of what sort of cars clowns drive when out of the circus ring. You got me there.

M F D H
http://mfdh.ca

[Mark]

Um, what happened to the other comments on this post? Glad to see mfdh here, of course, but WTF?

[Simon]

I'm stymied, Mark. The Typepad status blog states that there was an outage for a bunch of yesterday and that posts made during that time would have to be retrieved from an archive. Apparently, comments suffered the same deal; but I see no archive of comments from which they can be restored.

Bastards.

[Simon]

Some comments were lost in a Typepad hiccup on the 12th July. I'll repost them here, copied from my Email archive:

Grampa said:
That is the perfect noun, with no adjectives required, to describe these Bozos.......CLOWNS. That is much nicer than the usual language they imbue.

Linda said:
I didn't see that coming! lol
You know what really pisses me off, and it happens so often since I'm working nights... The ass hats who drive before it's daylight with no headlights. They are usually gray trucks for some reason and you can't effing see them until they're right in front of you. I'm sure they think they can see just fine...

Mark said:
In our area, my pet peeve are the folks who drive in pitch black with parking lights only. What exactly is the point?

What a great story, Simon. Writers would kill to make up stuff that funny (and, of course, there are those who witness such events, but have no talent for putting it to paper).

TerriTorial said:
Great story. Thanks for the morning giggle with my coffee.

Paul said:
There's a comedian - whose name now fails to come to mind - who suggest that every driver should be given one of those guns that shoots little flags on suction cups, and one (1) only little red flag to go with it. When you see someone else do something stupid, you shoot your flag at his car. If a cop sees a car driving along with more than five little flags stuck to it he can pull it over and give the driver a ticket...for being a dick.

Simon said:
Paul, that sounds like something the late, great Mitch Hedberg would have said. Would that it were true.

[Linda]

Mitch would have been a bit more obscure, me thinks. It was Gallagher who did that schtick.
Gawd, I miss Mitchell...