The issue of how poorly I've been dealing with the presence of two high maintenance dogs in my house is one that's been discussed here before and I will undoubtedly do so again until I get the gorram matter resolved.
I'm well aware that, in relative terms, they are incredibly well-behaved and loving dogs. Especially considering some of the shit they have to put up with from me. I never went through the trials and tribulations that some people have. I'm just self centred enough not to want to have to deal with the inconvenience of catering to two additional dependent life forms that unintentionally add another element of squalour to our house.
I'd prefer to focus nearly exclusively on my human family and, well, me.
*****
Simon's list of currently approved dogs:
(subject to change)
- Those that belong to other people.
- Dogs that frolic in open fields and then, on being summoned, return to their owner while cavorting in such a manner as to display their undying love and obedience for him.
- Dogs that, from a far distance, look like cats or little baby unicorns.
- Taxidermied dogs.
- Freeze-dried dogs. (Some people really do that.)
- Dogs that fit inside standard soup cans.
- Seeing-eye dogs.
- Hearing-ear dogs.
- Tasting-tongue dogs.
- I made that last one up, but I'd still approve of them.
- Dogs capable of dialling 9-1-1 in an emergency.
- Copper.
- Lassie.
- Dogs that don't eat your baby and frame you for murder.
- The Littlest Hobo.
- Brian.
- Arctic sled dogs.
- Dogs trained to use the toilet, flush and wash their paws.
- Firehouse dogs.
- Dogs that never, EVER, cross established boundaries, be they physical or behavioural.
- Statues of dogs.
- Dogs that make me laugh, but then go away so I don't have to clean up their poop.
- Dogs that are born perfectly obedient and trained.
- Dogs so ugly you must pity their mere existence.
- Stories of dogs, real or imagined, heroic or tragic.
- Dogs that are rumoured to exist and whose poop I won't have to clean up.
- Dogs on velvet playing poker.
I'm pretty sure that any dogs I currently approve of would fall into one of those categories.