The issue of how poorly I've been dealing with the presence of two high maintenance dogs in my house is one that's been discussed here before and I will undoubtedly do so again until I get the gorram matter resolved.
I'm well aware that, in relative terms, they are incredibly well-behaved and loving dogs. Especially considering some of the shit they have to put up with from me. I never went through the trials and tribulations that some people have. I'm just self centred enough not to want to have to deal with the inconvenience of catering to two additional dependent life forms that unintentionally add another element of squalour to our house.
I'd prefer to focus nearly exclusively on my human family and, well, me.
*****
Simon's list of currently approved dogs:
(subject to change)
- Those that belong to other people.
- Dogs that frolic in open fields and then, on being summoned, return to their owner while cavorting in such a manner as to display their undying love and obedience for him.
- Dogs that, from a far distance, look like cats or little baby unicorns.
- Taxidermied dogs.
- Freeze-dried dogs. (Some people really do that.)
- Dogs that fit inside standard soup cans.
- Seeing-eye dogs.
- Hearing-ear dogs.
- Tasting-tongue dogs.
- I made that last one up, but I'd still approve of them.
- Dogs capable of dialling 9-1-1 in an emergency.
- Copper.
- Lassie.
- Dogs that don't eat your baby and frame you for murder.
- The Littlest Hobo.
- Brian.
- Arctic sled dogs.
- Dogs trained to use the toilet, flush and wash their paws.
- Firehouse dogs.
- Dogs that never, EVER, cross established boundaries, be they physical or behavioural.
- Statues of dogs.
- Dogs that make me laugh, but then go away so I don't have to clean up their poop.
- Dogs that are born perfectly obedient and trained.
- Dogs so ugly you must pity their mere existence.
- Stories of dogs, real or imagined, heroic or tragic.
- Dogs that are rumoured to exist and whose poop I won't have to clean up.
- Dogs on velvet playing poker.
I'm pretty sure that any dogs I currently approve of would fall into one of those categories.
Here here! Though my list of acceptable dogs is much shorter. Number one would do it. It's not that I hate dogs. Other peoples dogs are great...I just don't want to have to care for them.
Oh...and that little coo video...ohh man almost makes me want another little one. almost.
Posted by: dee | Thursday, 08 June 2006 at 05:43 AM
I must add this one:
Any dog that is not a cat and does not act like a cat.
Posted by: Mark | Thursday, 08 June 2006 at 06:40 AM
To me any dog whose poop I need have nothing to do with is a good dog.
I would recommend removing #17 from your list because really, if you think a jack russell is a lot of work, you'd be sorely disappointed by an arctic sled dog.
Have you made a decision, dog-wise?
Posted by: marian | Thursday, 08 June 2006 at 07:31 AM
I think your entire list can be summed up by #23:"Dogs that are born perfectly obedient and trained." This reveals that you, when it comes to the concept of dogs at least, are living in a fantasy land of your own creation. Anyone who gets a dog without realising that it entails a commitment not unlike that of having a child needs to take a class, or something. In fact, after three or so years, you get to stop cleaning up your kids' poop. You get to keep cleaning up after your dogs' piles of steaming doo-doo for as long as they live.
Your #2:"Dogs that frolic in open fields and then, on being summoned, return to their owner while cavorting in such a manner as to display their undying love and obedience for him" represents a significant undertaking of training and discipline. Shadow behaves like that in a field, unless there is another dog around...or bunnies...or skunks...or butterflies...or some other, possibly imaginary distraction. We're still working on it.
Posted by: Paul | Thursday, 08 June 2006 at 07:44 AM
Paul - 'twas from inside that fantasy world that we bought the second dog. I've been struggling in vain to justapose that with reality for about a year now. I sometimes surprise myself with how stubborn I can be.
Marian - arctic sled dogs are, perforce, generally to be found in the arctic and therefore not in my house. If one were further south, it would be an 'arctic sled dog in Alberta', which category I thankfully did not add to the list.
And I doubt we'll be getting rid of either of them. I think the task will be up to me to align my preferences with the harsh, bright light of reality.
Posted by: Simon | Thursday, 08 June 2006 at 07:52 AM
I was serious about taking a class. Enrolling in dog training classes was extremely valuable to our family. Of course, it is important to recognise going in that the dog training classes are for the benefit of the owners, not the dogs.
Posted by: Paul | Friday, 09 June 2006 at 09:11 AM
Oh, we did do a 6-week class, Paul. And I was aware going in that it was for the owners and not the dogs. Don't get me wrong, that class helped immensely. The biggest part of my problem stems not from their training but from my reticence to form any sort of emotional bonds with either dog. Like I mentioned, I find them inconvenient. And that's MY problem.
Posted by: Simon | Friday, 09 June 2006 at 11:08 AM
Ah...well...erm...I see. And Amy would be upset if they mysteriously disappeared one day...
Posted by: Paul | Friday, 09 June 2006 at 07:21 PM