Post-op

I was surprised. 

The procedure was almost faster than I was 10 years ago.

I got up at 5 AM to go in to work very briefly, before anyone else got there.  The CEO is going on vacation for two weeks and leaving my boss (one of the VPs) in charge.  The Email on Thursday from their executive assistant read:

[My boss] will be acting president with full authority in [the CEO's] absence.

Not one to leave well enough alone, I had to go in Friday morning and prank him.  I am currently assuming I have a job to return to on Tuesday after the long weekend.

I returned home for some toast and a banana for breakfast.  Toast with peanut butter and chocolate chips is just about the best food in the history of the world ever.  It's official name is Reese's Fucking Toast.  So, the morning of my procedure, that's what I had.

I was supposed to be at the Outpatient clinic at the hospital by 7.45 AM, so I saddled up and rode off into the sunrise at 7.30.  Bade farewell to my wife and infant son, the last product of my loins.  Ever.

After paperwork and a firm handshake with the doctor, I disrobed appropriately, donned that goddam inconvenient hospital smock and assumed the position.  My biggest concern of the entire morning was that I might inappropriately and inadvertently pitch a tent.  I'm sure it's happened in front of the good doctor before, but the presence of iodine, long strips of restrictive masking tape and a frikkin' cold grounding patch (for the cautery) slapped to my left thigh precluded my joining those chagrined ranks.

One of his first comments to me was, "Ah, you've shaved, that'll save me a few minutes."

A fact I share solely due to a conversation I had with my own father some months ago relating to an experience with a male nurse and which inspired me to take certain matters into my own hands.

The only real concern I felt all morning was for a brief moment when I heard a clatter, the doctor exclaimed (seriously), "Oh, sugar!" and then hurriedly elbowed the door open to call for a nurse, (he was working solo).  He waited about five seconds after calling to add, as an afterthought, "It's not urgent."

He had dropped the cautery (burnie thingie) and needed a clean replacement.  I needed to swallow repeatedly.

I was dressed and out of there a short while later, sitting on a chair outside the surgical suite and sipping on apple juice while the nurse got me a specimen jar to take home for the purpose of a semenalysis two to three months hence, to ensure TOTAL ANNIHILATION of the vas deferens pathways.  The very slight aroma that wafted my way as the good doctor used his burnie thingie left me with little to fear in that regard.

At the end of it all, the Outpatient counter had opened at 8 AM and I was left mincing my way back out to my truck at five minutes before 9.  The whole thing barely had time to register in my brain by the time it was done.

The rest of Friday saw me alternating between frozen peas and corn for 10 - 15 minutes every hour while watching every single Pixar movie that Declan could foist on me.  He's taken to pointing officiously and demanding, "Ceecker!" when the television or DVD remote isn't handled quite as efficiently as he'd like.

Until the hockey game came on, that is.  Then I got to watch the OILERS take a one-game lead in the NHL's Western Conference Final.  A position The Oil hasn't been in for 14 long years.

GOILERS!!

Then, just before my wife took our infant son to bed with her, and I was working up the courage to try the stairs to the basement, she turned to me with 'that look' in her eyes and blurted out, "I'm horny."

...

"Just kidding."

She can be SO mean.

Comments

[Linda]

Amy!!! Have a heart!
Glad it all went off without any major snags.
It's good you're getting your vegetables ;-)
Hope there's no swelling...
Enjoy the weekend and thanks for the UPdate.
Reese's F-ing Toast is going on my breakfast menu TODAY.
Hope the re-growth isn't annoying. That had to be fun...

[Mark]

Very glad to hear all went well. Very disappointed in the wife for that teasing comment. Give a guy a break.

Also glad to read that I'm not the only guy with fears of inappropriately rising to the occasion when it comes to having the nethers touched medically. The damn thing seems to be on automatic sometimes. Thus far, I have had no problems.

You shaved, eh? I can't imagine that. I don't think my Mach 3 Turbo would do the job. Too many wrinkles and folds.

[marian]

I love Amy. Did you use the Philips? Check this out, Mark.

http://www.shaveeverywhere.com/

Sorry I don't know how to turn that into a link, although you'd think I would, but no. I also love that "Oh Sugar!" It could have meant so many things to one in your position, depending on how it was said.

Enjoy the Star Wars, mind your peas, love.

[the Mater]

I think you should buy Amy a Kegelcisor as a belated Mother's Day present and she, in turn, can stock up on frozen peas and carrots to keep you comfortable.

Life's one big trade-off after another :>)

Take care and you'll be back in the saddle before you know it! Let's just leave it at that ...

[the Mater]

Excuse me, one last thought ...is that a typo? Shouldn't the title of this blog be "Post-Pop"?!

[Jenn]

Oh my GOD, I cannot believe that you blogged about this. You are hilarious. Best wishes to you and your hijacked hoojack.

[TerriTorial]

Glad it went so well. A good friend of ours just had an experience that was less than pleasant.

Your wife is great. I told mine no emails from his buddies (abundantly pornfull) until he was healed. Imagine the pain it would cause. OUCH!

[Shellie]

Saw your post on "Breed em and weep"
FYI
Not to freak you out or anything but my husband was cut, tied, and burned. They told us that if our kids ever passed away we would never have anymore children. I was pregnant with our sixth and didn't care...I was there to make sure the procedure was done thoroughly. Two years to the week later we had our seventh child...He had even gone back in for the test...Miracles do happen.

[Tina]

Good for you, Simon. I'm hoping that you have a nice, relaxing, pain free weekend. Remind me to tell you, at a later date, about the experience my husband went through right after having 'The Big V ' .... it involved a surprise party, and a lap dancer. Not good timing. Tina

[Mark]

Marian, that link was hilarious.

Simon, "hang" in there.

[bessushcabe]

Your girlfriend does not let you cum on her face?
Our girl love it!
Get inside for hundreds of ultra hot young cuties who want nothing but your entrie muck load over their foreheads, cheeks, and leeps.
Subdue them with your spraying abilities and look down on their dirty, dirty faces!
adult .
She finds herself getting fucked doggie-style, but he's the one who ends up barking as the pleasurable sensation of this fucking turns him into a panting, begging animal! He can't believe what he's feeling, nor can he believe how calmly this bitch is taking it all.
She had to have been an expert at nasty naughtiness to remain as calm as she did!
porn free .

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