An old joke

A man made a fateful appointment with a doctor, and the day, threatening to arrive, finally had done.

He walked purposefully up to his bedroom and there laid out the tuxedo he had picked up from the cleaners the previous morning.  Methodically, he dressed himself in his finery, his cummerbund snugged just so about his waist and his bow tie re-tied three times to ensure it comported itself appropriately about his collar.

Flicking some few specks of imagined dust from the shoulders of his jacket, his stately gait took him back down the stairs to his waiting wife.

Taking one look as her husband, she exclaimed, "Now what in the hell did you go and get dressed up like that for?!"

"Darling," was his reply, "if I'm going to be impotent, I'm going to look impotent."

*****

This coming weekend is the Victoria Day long weekend for those of us nations still clinging tenaciously to the vainglorious past of what once was the mighty British Commonwealth, upon which the sun never set.

God save the Queen.

For me, "V" shall stand neither for Victoria nor victory, but rather hold some more visceral meaning.

My wife and I agreed, not very far into her second pregnancy, that it was going to be her last pregnancy.  And if she was the one to endure both the gestational and birthing phases of our two boys, it was left to me to ensure there would be no more than those two boys.  So then, needs must there be some tamperin' with my own boys.

The procedure is simple, really, and the doctor explained it to me with the aid of his bookmarked and well-thumbed Atlas of the Human Body.  A local anaesthetic, some boldly going where no man has gone before, and my very own Encounter at Farpoint will see me judged and, inevitably, found lacking.

I choose for this weekend to hold a different memory for me, inasmuch as I am able to accomplish that feat.  But how to draw my mind away from where it invariably strays even when not threatened by impending emasculation?

::STAR WARS::

As I recuperate on the sofa this weekend, I have decided to tackle the entire Star Wars canon in a single sitting, seeing as how I'll be doing nothing but.  It's something I've been intending to do ever since Sith came out on DVD.  I can think of no more opportune time to languish with all of George's space opera for 14 or 15 consecutive hours.

I felt some angst about whether to view them in canonical order or that of theatrical release.  An on-going debate amongst opposing camps of Star Wars purists.  I decided on the former, partly because I am also planning to slip in the two Clone Wars cartoon DVDs, which detail the events that take place between Clones and Sith.  You wanna know how General Grievous gets that hacking cough (never mind the fact that it's a frikkin' coughing robot!), watch the Clone Wars cartoons.

I will start late in the morning, Saturday, and wend my way through the Hero's Journey, which monomyth was originally assumed to be about Luke Skywalker, but is truly the tale of Anakin Skywalker cum Darth Vader, evinced by his turncoat slaying of the Emperor and subsequent redemption.  I shall end, hopefully still conscious, early Sunday morning, and spent.

There may be a few friends come by throughout the day to partake in one or two of the movies, and to commiserate, but for the most part it'll be me, an intermittent sack of ice, and a really big bag of Cheetos.

I know I'll chuckle when watching A New Hope - the Special Edition DVD - and Han Solo notably doesn't shoot first.  And in Empire, when the Millennium Falcon barely escapes from the maw of the giant Space Slug.  And in Jedi, when Princess Leia grabs her chain and chokes the life out of Jabba the Hutt.  The series is rife with apropos symbolism.

Friday morning, 7.45 am, I go to meet my destiny.

Comments

[Linda]

Let me be the first (here) to wish you a quick recoVery. Hope you haVe Very little pain and the light sabres don't inVoke too much, well, neVer mind. I wish I was a SW fan, I'm sure it would be a hoot to point out loads (ha!)of symbolism. As it is, just take it easy and enjoy the marathon. It will probably be your only marathon, until this takes for sure... ;-)

[Paul]

Heh, heh.
Heh.
Heh, heh.
He said, "spent."
Heh.
Heh, heh.

[marian]

Ah, you're a good husband, laddy. My only piece of advice may already be obsolete, but it never hurts to check. For a while, the procedure was being done with clamps, instead of the more RELIABLE cutting and tying. Not a good idea unless spontaneous reversal is your cup of tea.

Good luck tomorrow. We'll be thinking of you in your iced-up, orange-mouthed splendor. And beware the pounce of romping 2-year-olds!

[TerriTorial]

You are a great Husband. Mine did this for us as well. He said the freezing was the worst part...oh..and the codeine he was on for the pain after. Apparently he has a reaction to it. Couldn't open his eyes or he'd barf. Once we figured that out, he was fine.

And don't worry about the bruising..it's supposed to look like that.

[Mark]

Oh, man. I feel for you. *ahem*

Just make sure you heed the doctor's careful instruction not to do "it" too soon after. One of my wife's relatives did that and they have a kid to show for it. Obviously, then, either the pain doesn't last too long (good news for you), or some people are just like bunnies with the freakin' doin' it.

[Alec]

Hey man, if Yoda can go through it, then anyone can. What, you didn't know? Think about it...

"Luke: What's in there?
Yoda: Only what you take with you.”

“Do or do not... there is no try.”

"Ready are you? What know you of ready?...Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things."

"Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not."

"Good relations with the Wookiees, I have.”

"Feel the force!”

"Blind we are, if creation of this clone army we could not see.”

"The fear of loss is a path to the Dark Side"
---
Best of luck!

[Hazel Hazel]

Good luck and good drugs. Make sure you have a couple backs of frozen peas on hand.

[rick]

"It is what we prevent rather than what we do that counts most...."

MacKenzie King, PM of Canada 1921-26, 1926-30, 1935-48

Yer a good man, Simon. Still, it's such a day as would make a monkey hit his daddy.

[Grampa]

The frozen vegetables are much better than ice for 2 reasons:
1 - far less messy than ice when it thaws
2 - Amy can put them on for dinner when you
are finished with them
Make sure that you have 2 bags so that you may rotate them from freezer to lap.

And who is Linda? Just like a woman, to be vengeful.

[Simon]

Marian - not even cutting and tying anymore, now cutting and cauterizing. Hot, burnie thing near my manly bits. Unfun.

Terri - I sure as hell had better be able to open my eyes. I have Star Wars to watch all day Saturday!

Alec - if you culled those quotes from memory, I just grew a whole bunch more respect for you, man! (Especially the attention to detail with the "Hmm? Hmm." I appreciate that.

Rick - there will be no hitting of monkeys for a short while now. All primates will be restricted to dangling and trying not to look overly bruised.

Grampa - I'll pick up two bags to swap out when I'm at the store picking up my Star Wars Cheetos.

[marian]

Dude! Your dad's here!

[Simon]

That's okay...

After running into him at a strip club some years ago, I think it's pretty much impossible for me to be embarrassed by anything that happens in his presence.

[Jim (of Brazil)]

Good luck, Simon.

I can't help but feel somewhat envious toward your weekend film marathon, even knowing about what you must sacrifice for the privilege. It makes me wonder: After 10 years and three boys what would I be willing to give up for **my** Star Wars weekend? (Actually, I plan on a SW and LOTR marathon weekend some day, currently scheduled for sometime after the year 2020!)

I'm not sure that I would give up **those**... but it might be worth a pneumonia or a pair of broken legs, for example.

[TerriTorial]

Good Luck today. Soon we can call you Mr. Sunkist. All juice..no seeds!

Yes, I'm aware that was terribly Corny. Sorry.

[JuJuBee]

Uhm...good luck? You are a good man, Man.

[Linda]

You'll probably not be on here for a couple of days but wanted to say we're thinking of you... Your fingers are probably stained permanent orange by now. ;-)

[Mark]

Simon, you are indeed brave, and I commend anyone who has an elective surgery that obviously serves a purpose -- sparing the world from any more little Simon babies. ;)

There's one thing I don't get, however. Are there really that many guys out there who would not do this, and would tell their wives "you get a tubal, or we're just gonna keep risking pregnancy. Oh, and I ain't wearin' no cone dome neither."

I would hope that men these days understand that their bodies still produce the same levels of testosterone and still produce sperm after a vasectomy. The little buggers just don't have a way out.

Again, not meaning to take anything away from you Simon, because I'm sure any guy would rather not go through this. I've never understood why folks think the man is being so super considerate to his lady, when it's obviously less risky, less invasive, etc. etc. than the woman getting "fixed." It just makes sense. Plus, the gal already carried the children, for gosh sakes.

Maybe most men are jerks, making this action so out of the ordinary that it prompts amazement. I hope that's not it, thought.

(You don't get a lot of "gosh sakes" these days.)

[Simon]

Terri - that was a horrible joke. I loved it.

Jenny - you're probably going to tell the hubby that it's pushing time for him to do the same now, eh?

Linda - at first I thought you meant orange from the iodine with which I was generously swabbed. Now I get it.

Mark - very valid point. The ease and efficacy of this procedure make it way more pragmatic than anything more invasive a woman would have to endure. Much as I've been soliciting sympathy from my wife at the impending loss of manhood, I've been joking. But I think that's the main reason a lot of guys would refuse it: somehow seeing a loss of some masculinity. Which is utterly ridiculous, but there you go. I have to pluck my eyebrows now.

[Linda]

OMG, yes, I meant the Cheetos! And please tell the Grandpa I'm not mean.

[the Mater]

Oh Simon, you are a responsible and loving hubby. I wanted to say something funny, but just find myself wishing you well. This, too, shall pass. Heal and raise some hell :>)