The birthin' blues trifecta

They say disasters come in threes.

I have no idea who 'they' are or whether there's any merit to the claim, but I'm currently waiting for the third axe to fall.

(We want to go down to Fire Station Number 2 and personally thank the paramedics that delivered our son at home... but not until we can have a hot shower.)

The first, of course, was the rather unexpected circumstance of my wife birthing our new son all over our bed.  The event, taken as a whole, was a very miraculous, wondrous event, chock full of so many other superlatives that I'd need a thesaurus.

So, not to begrudge the matter, but we did lose a nearly-new and rather expensive bed out of the deal.  A price I'd pay a thousand times over, but still, there's the Scotsman in me doing a wee bit o' teeth gnashing.

YAR!

The second, Monday afternoon, was the hot water tank.  The precursor to this was that our firstborn son took his Sunday evening bath in a tub full of what looked to be un-set orange jello.  We've nicknamed him 'Rusty'.

Monday afternoon, traipsing downstairs to change the loads in the laundry (it's so much more fun to launder your linens whilst traipsing), my feet took a bath after descending from the bottom stair to the concrete floor.

My traipse transformed to a trudge, accompanied by some choice invectives (suitably muffled for the tender ears upstairs) as I discovered that our hot water tank, having gasped its death rattle the previous night for our son's orange bath, had expired and purged its rusty innards over a great deal of our basement floor.

Yet more sacrificial towels (the last of the Ralph Lauren, plus some others to boot) acted as a temporary woman in comfortable shoes containment dyke so that I had time to assault the surge with the ten gallon shop vac on hand for just such an emergency.

Unbidden images of Dark Helmet, Colonel Sanders and President Scroob chanting, "Suck, suck, suck!" as Mega-Maid divested an entire planet of its atmosphere egged on my own efforts and helped assuage my bitterness.

Thankfully, I know a guy who knows a guy who went fishing with a guy what'll be able to score us a decent deal on the supply of a new tank Tuesday afternoon.  Plus, my next door neighbour (another guy I know) will help me install the thing Tuesday night.  Less than half the price of a plumber-supplied-and-installed unit.

Sucks though.

My wife, she's convinced that the third 'bad thing' has already happened.  See, when she was being whisked off in the ambulance to the hospital Friday afternoon, the driver forgot to release the emergency brake on the rig before departing.  Half way back to the hospital there was the smell of burning rubber, a brief flash, and then all power in the back of the ambulance went out.  The latter half of that journey was illuminated only by the animated conversation supplied by Amy and her two attendants.

Me, I'm not convinced so much; which is odd, since I'm the more optimistic one.  Perhaps I'm waiting for our rather ancient, hand-me-down, olive-cream laundry pair to crap out on us.  Lord knows we'll have greater need of them than ever before with the added volume of feculence that comes requisite with each new baby.

My wife and I both found the same silver lining, at nearly the same time, to our hot water tank fiasco.  The nearest landfill charges a flat rate for all private vehicle drops.  60 bucks a pop for half-ton trucks and under.  We can unload the soiled mattress AND the rusty tank for the same fee.

The bit of me that's doing the teeth-gnashing is pleased at that, at least.

And besides, we did manage to save the duvet.

Comments

[Mark]

Glad I was up late and checked your blog. I still haven't recovered from the "containment dyke" strikeout. Whew. Too much for this late when I'm an open-doored room away from my sleeping toddler.

What a great story, and from a great storyteller. You will need to pull out this one, as well as the two previous for Tavish's graduation, wedding, or some similar gathering.

We just gave a queen-size bed away to some friends nearby. Probably wouldn't have shipped it to Canada, anyway. Sorry, Simon.

[Linda]

OMG Simon, how you torture us with your renditions! There you are in all of your misery and we are trying not to laugh hysterically. I'm certainly not belittling your talents as an engineer, (never!) but I think you've missed your calling by a wee bit. At least the beesphere can appreciate your amazing talents and we are grateful. I'd say your three are up and you're home free by now...

[Paul]

Birkenstock clad water retention system? I did not just say that.

[marian]

She's totally right, the third thing was the water heater. You're free and clear, my friend. Here's your voucher, you may go.

[TerriTorial]

Rusty bath water..know that ohh to well.

Love your name choice by the way!!!

[the Mater]

The homebirth, the mattress and Ralph Lauren towels, the burned out brakes on the ambulance, the hot-water heater ... Simon, you couldn't even make this up if you tried.

All in all, a beautiful baby boy makes quite an entrance!

You write so well, it's a pleasure to wander over here and read your blog. Good luck with the installation of the tank ... I'm sure we'll get a full report soon!

[Kristen]

Thank you so much for inserting a line from Spaceballs. I needed that.

Our water heater is located in the twins bedroom (converted garage that was grandfathered in...sigh). We walked in one day and discovered that the BRAND NEW carpet was soaked! I found myself with my mom's carpet cleaner trying to suck up all the water from the carpet. It's very obvious where the puddle was, the carpet is a darker shade of tan!

Poor poor mattress! I was a little bit anal while I was pregnant with Nick that my water would break in my brand new bed (I purchased it when I was 6 months pregnant). All I can say is, waterproof mattress covers. I discovered they were also great for the early days when my children's diapers would leak in the middle of the night onto our sheets. My mattress looks brand new...can't say as much for my sheets.

The baby is gorgeous and you have a great story to embarrass him with at some future date.

[Sheryl]

You are too funny. I hope if there is a number three you'll blog it.