There are very few traits as uniquely Canadian as the unstinting effort to differentiate ourselves from our American brethren. When travelling abroad, or with one, Canucks are wont to assert their Canadianinity not so much due to national pride -- though that is indeed a strongly held sentiment -- but almost more so to state definitively that we are not Americans.
The reasons for this are many, obvious, subtle, complicated and simple. I will touch on only one, whose relevance in the grand scheme of them all I leave to you to decide.
Madonna had it right when she said she was living in a material world; so are we all. Canucks are living in the American's material world. The flow of brand-name propaganda is almost exclusively one-way, North, and the tide has yet to ebb. Canadians, rather adept at irony, and as the only offensive launched to date against this inundation of consumerism, regularly exports her best talent in covert operations south of the 49th. These individuals are then assimilated into the melting pot, assume they've shown up in Rome and then add to the tide they were sent south to stem.
And the ones we don't want back we can't seem to repel. Celine, I'm talking to you.
Well, what if things were a wee bit different? Let's say that the British-Canadian forces that razed Washington, D.C. in the War of 1812 were able to secure a stronghold during their occupation there and slowly subjugate the 'Mericans from within?
Canadian icons and corny media blitzes would be the order of the day. Hockey would be the North American sport and chicks in parkas would look dead sexy!
Below is a list of currently extant American mainstays and their proposed Canadian counterparts, once the tide eventually flows the other way. It is by no means comprehensive or ordered in any way. It is here but to give you a taste of the Utopia that could have been.
AND MAY YET STILL BE!!!
(The whole 'nice' thing is just an act, eh?)
(Some are actually legitimate Canadian businesses/things, some are schlock from the scrapings inside my head. If you can tell the difference, odds are you're a Canuck.)
American Thingie -- Canadian Thingie
Old Navy -- Second-Hand British Flammable Navy
eBay -- Hudson's Bay
Amazon -- Tundra
Dollar Bill -- Loonie
Starbucks -- Tim Horton's
Velcro -- Frostbite
"o" -- "ou"
Cool Whip -- Cooler Whip
Gatorade -- Juice, Eh?
Rodeo Drive -- Canadian Finals Rodeo
Walkman -- Trudgeman
Ford -- Bricklin
Survivor: Panama -- Survivor: Grizzly
Ball cap -- Toque
Autumn, Winter, Spring -- Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter
Summer -- Construction
Topsiders -- Sorels
DKNY (Donna Karan New York) -- JSWS (Joe's Second Wife Suzy)
American Express -- Canadian Sedate
FCUK -- HOESR
F-14 Tomcat -- Avro Arrow
Wal-Mart -- Canadian Tire
Jolly Rancher -- Mad Farmer
George Foreman Grill -- Willie DeWitt Warming Plate
Zee -- Zed
and the real clincher for me is:
American Eagle -- Canadian Beaver
"hoesr"... totally priceless... i nearly spit my tea all over the keyboard when i read that...LOL.
Posted by: jennie | Wednesday, 08 February 2006 at 09:22 AM
As a transplanted Canadian, living in 'American Consumerism Central'... aka Los Angeles... I got a huge kick out of your list. Right on, my friend ( and write on, too ) Tina
Posted by: Tina | Thursday, 09 February 2006 at 07:38 AM