The Toddler Transfer

How to ensure that your toddler makes the journey from crib to kiddie bed in a smooth manner and with minimal emotional scarring.  And by that I mean yours.

(A 12-Step Program)

Adherence to the guidelines espoused below does not guarantee a successful toddler transfer.  The author takes no responsibility for the behaviour of your child or, more importantly, you.

Quite frankly, the author tries to minimise his responsibility as a general rule.

The Toddler Transfer

1. Rip out the carpets in your child's new room and install laminate flooring.  Don't ask me why this will work, it just will.  Plus, it's required for a later step.

2. Ensure that the toddler is present during the construction/assembly of whatever bed he will be sleeping in.  Inculcate familiarity early.  (Please note that I will be using the masculine pronoun throughout this Program Guide.  It is not indicative of any particular gender bias on my part, but simply reflects the fact that I have a son.)

3.  Into your son's new room, move as much of the furniture from his nursery as possible and place in similar positions around his bed.  (This Program Guide also assumes that your toddler will be changing rooms as well as beds since you done gone and got your wife knocked up before your first child was out of diapers and now you'll need the nursery for the new baby, you horndog.  According to the last sentence, this Program Guide also assumes that you are a man, since it would be very hard for a woman to get knocked up by another woman.  It is not, however, at all impossible for a woman to have a wife in this enlightened age.  Unless of course you live in Alberta, as I do.  This Program Guide assumes a bloody lot, doesn't it?)

4.  After the laminate floor is installed and the new bed assembled, allow the toddler to sleep in his old crib for the first couple nights.  This is not for his benefit so much as your own.  You're getting used to the idea of making the switch and have reservations about how he'll take to it, so you're afraid to get started and are delaying the inevitable.  Pansy!!

5.  Put the toddler in his new bed for an afternoon nap as a trial run instead of going for the night-time ordeal right off the bat.  Don't even think about it; what... are you crazy!!

5a.  There's plenty of daylight during the nap phase of the day, even in Canadian winters when the sun sets at freakin' 4 in the afternoon, so there's less for the toddler to be nervous about.

5b.  When you cruelly abandon the toddler in his bed for nap-time, he will cry in his new environs.  Expect this.  Give it about ten minutes and then go rescue the child.  You are now the hero and must placate him to induce somnolence.  Then, abandon him again.  Bastard.

5c.  Repeat a and b above until you have a sleeping toddler; one who sleeps through the entire nap.  Good luck with that.

6. Now you're ready to tackle bedtime in the new bed.  Or as we say in our household, "Night-night".  Or as my son says, "Nigh - nigh".

6a.  Get a night light.  One that's light-sensitive and turns on automatically when it gets dark.  If you're reading this and are a parent of a toddler, odds are about 99:1 that you already have one.  We didn't put one in our boy's room for the first couple nights and that would have made it a lot easier.

7.  After going through your typical bedtime ritual (ours consists of bath, relaxed play time, book, bottle of water and then lights-out with the musical susurrus of some Fisher-Price contraption projecting cavorting lambs and stars and cows on the ceiling)... After that -- this is the important bit now: GET INTO BED WITH YOUR CHILD.  If you think you can just up and leave your kid in the new bed on his first night, even after your previous nap successes, you are quite obviously hopped up on goofballs and should have your child confiscated by social services and placed in an abusive foster home; it'll be better than whatever life he'd end up living with someone as obviously delusional as you.

8.  Assuming it is a red and blue race car bed that your child is sleeping in, you'll find that it's amazingly comfortable.  Stay in there with your toddler until he falls sound asleep.  This first night especially.  It'll get easier, later, if you start out with a relaxed kid.

9. At about midnight or so, you will wake with a start, not knowing where you are and feeling a very urgent desire to wipe the drool from off your chin.  Do not be alarmed.  The race car bed was so comfortable that you fell asleep.  Your neck will probably be sore.  It's bloody dark in the room and now you're wishing that you'd gotten a night light.  (See 6a. above.)  Time to extricate yourself from the toddler bed WITHOUT WAKING THE TODDLER.  Mileage on this one may vary depending on how sound a sleeper your toddler is.  Ours has been inured to mysterious noises at night since my wife and I have gotten into the habit of engaging in wild acts of sexual abandon just outside his door six nights a week. 

Well, no, not really.  But a man can dream.  Regardless, he's a sound sleeper once he's down.

10. During the self-extrication process, and given the preternatural quiet of the night, you will absolutely marvel at the sheer volume (numerically and aurally) of snaps, crackles and pops that your joints will make as you flounder about in a vain attempt to be stealthy.  Think of yourself as a ninja if it helps.  Wax on, then wax off.  Go back to your own bed and give yourself a pat on the back.  Tomorrow's going to be a downer anyway.

11. Riding high on the endorphins of the previous night's success, you will now attempt to put your toddler to bed, eschewing the all-important seventh step.  The one where you get into bed with him.  Idiot.  As you close the door on his room, even if you've installed the night-light, he will immediately begin to pout, and then cry, culminating in the unholy wailing of a banshee.  As you and your spouse stand transfixed outside his door, praying to whatever god you worship (or making one up if you tend towards atheism -- you know what they say: There are no atheists in foxholes or outside the doors of crying babies at three in the morning), you will then, perforce, hear some scrambling noises and then the pitter patter of little feet across the laminate.  (Please refer to step 1.) 

When you lean in closer, you begin to hear a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at the chamber door.  Your mind is consumed with the image of the small boy who is right beside you, yet separated by this opaque portal: he has his blanket clenched in one hand; of that there is no doubt.  His face is ravaged by twin tracks of tears streaming into the corners of his mouth and falling from his chin.  His other hand is raised piteously for the door handle, the nail of his index finger the source of the forlorn staccato rhythm that is slowly but surely bifurcating your heart.  You are the worst parent ever.  Repeat step 8 for any chance at redemption.

12.  The worst is now behind you.  Subsequent evenings will see you work your way towards that chamber door.  You have to earn it, man!

12a.  Sit quietly at the foot of the bed until the toddler falls asleep, then leave.

12b. Sit quietly in a chair near the door until the toddler falls asleep, then leave.

12c.  Sit quietly in a chair near the door until the toddler settles down, yet is still awake, then leave.  Do not make eye contact, do not turn around 'just to check on him one last time'.  Any glance back will result in a fate nearly as bad as that of Orpheus.  Show no weakness; give no reason to cry.  Be strong.

13.  The last in this 12-step process is the trial by fire.  Failure here may result in a complete reversion to Step 5.  Confidence is key.  Do not attempt this step if you harbour any doubts.  Parents have been known to run screaming from their house at failing this step to bang their heads repeatedly against the nearest street lamp.  You might want to practise that a time or two, just in case.

Read your toddler a book, put him to bed, turn out the light, play his music, kiss him on the forehead... and then turn and walk out of the room.  Try to convince yourself you are not the worst parent in the world.

Then engage in wild acts of sexual abandon with your spouse just outside his door.

Good luck.

Comments

[Kristen]

My now 4-year-old WOULD NOT, I repeat, WOULD NOT sleep by himself (even in a crib next to my bed as a newborn) until I gave birth a second time. He spent 10 months in bed with my husband and I, 3 months with me on the living room couch, and the remaining 15 months in a twin bed with me. I went to the hospital to give birth and he had to sleep with Daddy. Daddy was not amused. I carry home my squalling, ever hungry newborn and figure out that I cannot sleep in a twin bed with one while trying to breastfeed the other. It took 4 days of sitting in the room as he tried to fall asleep. Each night I was a little closer to the door. Finally I was outside the door. Have not had a problem since.

And for some reason, #2 has never had a problem sleeping in his crib by himself in his own room.

[fv]

Wait... sleep?

[Mark]

Love the guide, Simon.

We're contemplating the move to the toddler bed. Our little guy hasn't shown much interest in getting out of his crib on his own (only succeeded once, several months ago). Also, he can open his door, so the first night we put him in a toddler bed is the night we can fully expect to wake to a little hand tugging at our covers. Or, heart-pounding crash somewhere in the house.

Guess it's time for door-knob locks.

[Linda]

Wow, I haven't been "there" for twenty-some odd years but you brought it back, detail for painful, tearful, expectant, hopeful detail. God bless little Dex. Are you ready for him to be the big brother?

[Toddler Blogger]

Get a crib tent and forget about it! The best thing ever invented!!

[KC at Best Cribs]

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[jordan 1]

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It is of help during my boring work.

[best crib mattress]

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