Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Amy and I just watched both Kinsey and Ray this weekend. (Both of which movies deal largely with infidelity.) But I've been thinking this week about monogamy.
It may also have something to do with the sneaking suspicion of my wife's that the mother of the little girl she looks after is involved in some extra-curricular activities.
Ask any married man and he'll tell you he's unswervingly faithful to his wife. (I will assume the same can be said for a married woman, but I'm speaking directly from the penis perspective here, so will only talk about what I know. And I know penis. My own, anyway.)
The statistical truth of the matter seems to be, though, that there's a fair bit of swerving taking place.
A randomly searched and completely unsubstantiated bit of data that I just came across tells me that 22% of men and 14% of women admit to having had extra-marital affairs. To say nothing of those refusing to admit. I don't doubt it's much higher than that. (There are many available stats, and most of them vary widely.)
Which leads into the conversation Amy and I had last week upon my return home from work one evening. Isabelle, the girl Amy watches, had just been picked up before my arrival.
Simon: Isabelle napping or did her mom pick her up already?
Amy: She's gone. Becky just left a few minutes ago. And you'll never guess what she said.
Simon: Then I won't guess. What did she say?
Amy: Well, when she dropped Isabelle off this morning, she was three hours late and asked that if James was the one to pick her up this afternoon, not to tell him about being late!
Simon: Oh yeah...
Amy: So I'm starting to think that there's something going on there.
Simon: You know Aim, those two aside, I just don't get infidelity. I really don't get it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy eye candy as much as the next guy, but there's a line there about going to taste the candy that you just don't cross. [walking down the hall to the bedroom to change out of work clothes, then poking my head back around the corner] I mean, it doesn't even occur to me to be unfaithful to you!
Amy: Well, good! I think a lot of it comes from a 'grass is greener' sort of perspective, you know?
Simon: [having continued down the hall, returning, and poking my head around the corner again] But it never is, is it? All you're doing is wrecking the good thing you have for the better thing that really isn't.
Amy: I'm glad you think that way. 'Cause you're stuck with me.
Simon: Well, you are knocked up with my second kid. Figger I better stick around.
Amy: [glaring inimically] Good! Now go away.
*****
So perhaps it's not entirely correct to say that I don't get infidelity. That would indicate a certain naivete that I've mostly managed to slough off. Mostly. I was a late bloomer.
I've been exposed to varying degrees of unfaithfulness both in my own family as well as within my circle of friends. And there is a lesson I've taken from the experience of others that I would be remiss in not adhering to: It seriously f-cks you up.
Now, my wife and I aren't swingers, but if that's the kind of lifestyle you and your consenting adult partner would prescribe to, then more power to ya. Some claim it strengthens the existing bond between a loving pair of adults. I don't see it.
Along the same line is the pipe dream fostered in young men from the time of adolescence of eventually scoring the ultimate sexual prize; the one that hoists you up on that pedestal and has other men whispering your name with awe and incredulity, and women wondering silently at your Dionysian prowess (or so think those same incredulous men): the Menage a Trois. (There's a really good Seinfeld episode dealing with this subject.)
Like the vast majority of those adolescent boys who eventually grew up into adolescent men, the closest that dream ever came to realisation for me was in the form of a menage a moi. But perhaps that's really more information than is entirely necessary.
Suffice it to say that both my wife and I are happily involved in a loving, monogamous relationship where we each have oodles of trust for the other. (An 'oodle' being greater than 'a lot', by the way.) And both of us are fully aware of what a precious gift that is to hold on to. We're damn fortunate to have what we do and know what an increasingly rare bond it is.
Amy, you're the only gal for me.
I always wonder about this too -- the stats say infidelity is really prevalent, which seems to suggest that we all know someone who's, um, being an infidel. I wonder where and who they are on a regular basis.
And those swinging swappers. Holy cow, that stuff freaks me out. I had a dream the other night that D. and I had agreed that we could BOTH sleep with Angelina Jolie, but then we scratched the idea at the last sec when we realized we couldn't go through with it without seriously screwing things up. Literally.
Faithful even in the dream world. How terribly dull, though.
Posted by: Jenn | Tuesday, 27 September 2005 at 09:15 AM
Your stats seem low - I'm sure I once read it's a whopping 55% of married men who are unfaithful and upwards of 40% women. I couldn't tell you how substantiated that is, but I sure was shocked at the numbers! There also begs the question: how is infidelity defined? Emotional affairs, kissing, the whole nine yards?
Posted by: Paula | Tuesday, 27 September 2005 at 01:27 PM
Menage a moi ... Wasn't there a really good Seinfeld episode on this subject, too ?? Tina
Posted by: Tina | Wednesday, 28 September 2005 at 01:12 AM
Found you by way of Simon of Space. Pretty cool what CBB has accomplished and soon will accomplish.
When I read this post, it was if I had written it. My wife and I are exactly that way. It never occurs to either of us to mistrust (distrust?) the other. Like you so aptly put it, looking at the candy is, contrary to some judeo-christian beliefs, a whole different world from actually eating the candy. "Wow, look at her butt," is to heck and gone from "Wow, your butt feels good."
That said, it sounds like we have a lot in common. You guys wanna swing?
Ha! Gotcha.
Posted by: Mark | Wednesday, 28 September 2005 at 03:07 PM