Simian Farmer

Woo! woo! woo! woo! woo!

RainRainRainRainRainRainRainRain
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,, , , , , , , , , , ,
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
ParadeParadeParadeParadeParade

Had a little visit from the fire department last night.

As one of the supplementary actions for preparation of our son's first birthday shenanigans, my hazel-eyed-beauty and I were cleaning house last night.  In addition to washing dishes, mopping floors, reassembling the crib and vacuuming, this process involved taking out the trash.  Since our trash is along the lines of 'pay-as-you-throw', we frequently elect to burn that which is either flammable or inflammable.  Both terms meaning the same thing, which drives me crazy.  Er.

Now, consider the following:
We had just received a new set of crib rails to secure our son's safety in slumber.  See post somewhere below regarding my acrimony towards customer service.  This new set of rails left us with one superfluous (and highly dangerous!) set, as well as the cardboard box it came in.

We had also recently picked up a brand new sandbox to put in the backyard for our squirt.  A gift from Grandma and Grandpa Farley.  This left us with an even larger cardboard box than the one in the previous paragraph.

Mopping floors at 9.30 in the evening grows wearisome quite quickly.  Thus, I was not loathe to cast off my mop and take up the butane lighter to repair to the backyard fire pit in order that I may do away with the combustibles in a soothing display of pyrotechnics.

Having done this numerous times before, I have a technique.  Small, flimsy cardboard flaps are torn off and are wonderfully useful in initiating and perpetuating a flame.  Once some burninating is maintained, I fold and/or roll the larger cardboard elements into something generally shaped like a chimney.  This is then placed upright in the fire pit and held firmly in place with my trusty fire-pokey-stick*.

The general shape and position of the cardboard are now ideal to induce burninating.  The cardboard provides the requisite fuel for the flames, and the chimney-esque shape is conducive to high air flow, thus catalysing the flame to burn hotter and higher.  Which, as was the case last night, is wont to result in flames reaching in excess of three to four metres.  The cardboard's structural integrity quickly deteriorates under the onslaught of such heat, necessitating stabilization by means of my fire-pokey-stick.  This is truly an art I have mastered.

It was after the last elements of fuel had been added to the fire and I was waiting for the fearsome orange monster to subside into a bed of complacent coals that I heard the rumble of a loud diesel engine out in front of the house.

Somebody had called the local fire department.

I was made to extinguish the blaze and was served with a notice of non-compliance (no fine, I'm thanks), since we have no permit for the pit.  This, after two years and numerous blazes in the same pit.  Methinks someone awoke that morning to an excess of urea in their flocons de mais.

The fire-folk were unfailingly polite, and one made complimentary noises at the efficacy with which I uncoiled our garden hose to do battle against the already dying orange dragon.  To the effect that I could have been one of their own.  Kind words, but I was still a little peeved.

They left, I showered, and my wife and I went to bed.  We will continue to have fires in our backyard pit, though I may restrict the flame height in the future in order to allay any concerns with which our more querulous neighbours may be stricken.  They, obviously, aren't aware of my near super-human fire tending ability.

*(fire-pokey-sticks are a must have for all outdoor fire fun.  While useful for tending blazes, they can also be leaned upon, wielded threateningly and, when the tip is charcoal-hot, can be twirled in the air to make cool patterns in the dark.  The best I have found to date is a long-handled shovel, sans shovel head, with a plastic handle, making it ideal to hang from whichever branch or nub is nearby.  The handle also makes the aforementioned leaning easier too.)

Religious debate, Part II

Wherein the Email debate rages on... at length.

Quotes are drawn from scripture, Nietzsche, and Simon gets to use the word 'hooey' again.

Sit down for ten minutes and read ahead if you'd like.

The birthday boy

So for his actual birthday, and as a prelude to the big party that will be happening at Gaylord Place on Saturday, Declan's mom and I (and Granny!) took him out for a supper at the local Moxie's Restaurant. 

He did a wonderful job of feeding himself chicken fingers and fries.  And boy did his eyes light up when he was brought a dish of strawberry ice cream with a sparkler in it!  (Chubby hand + flaming sparkler incident narrowly averted.)

And granny?  Got him his very own little lightsabre.  Which was quickly smeared in ketchup.  Good granny.

The process of a 1 year-old feeding himself ice cream with an oversized spoon is a labourious one.  See for yourself.

The Force works in mysterious ways

Funny how things somehow come together of their own volition at times...

It was just after 10 PM last night, Amy was out at a girlfriend's house (why do women have girlfriends and men have buddies?), but anyway, she was out and I had put the squirt to bed just after 9.

The phone rang, unusual for that time of night, and it was another of my wife's girlfriends.  But she had called to speak to me.  How fortuitous then that I was home.

She had been listening to the radio at home that day and heard a prompt to call in for an instant-win sort of thing.  So she did.  And she won.  Though she had no idea what she won.

The DJ told her that she had won two tickets to the May 18th premiere of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.

"Oh.  Yeah?"

!?!?!

Both the DJ at the time, and then me when she explained what had happened were nearly flummoxed at the degree to which this woman was underwhelmed.  But due to her heightened state of underwhelmedness, she offered me the other ticket so I could go see it with her husband.

SCORE!!

So Wednesday night, May 18th, I'll be watching Sith with a theatre full of slavering first night fans.  And thanks to the tickets, I even get a free dinner at Burger King beforehand.  Not that my appetite needs whetting.  Yeah baby...

I do this all without assuming the mantle of guilt one might think I should burden myself with considering that my beautiful wife won't be attending with me.  Such are the sacrifices that must be made when walking the path that I do.

I am your father

Happy birthday, my boy. 

I cannot believe that it's been a year. 
I cannot express how fortunate I am to be your dad. 
I cannot begin to put into words how very much I love you.

I can, and will continue for as long as I draw breath, commit to doing the very best that I am able for you.

You are SO worth it.

You are 1 today.

Religious debate, Part I

I have a good friend and fraternity brother who moved to Ottawa after he graduated from engineering physics at the U of A.  Smart as a whip and always a pleasure to debate on certain issues.  I bemoan the fact that he's so far away and we can't 'dish it old school' face to face.

Jared was one of the few guys in the fraternity with whom I could really sit down and enjoy a heart to heart, all too infrequently.  His pedantry and intellectual hubris was tempered by an endearing naivete to which I could readily relate.

A couple weeks ago, he took some exception to a post I made about the comments that two Canadian cardinals gave in reference to the new pope's reputation as a hard line task master.  This then led to a growing string of religious Email banter which he has given me permission to reproduce here.

I wanted to do so since we both take such opposing stances and have no hope in Heck of subverting the other's viewpoint, but going through the motions is quite enjoyable.  It is incredibly important to make an effort to see where lie the perspectives of others from atop your own mountain.

It's gotten quite lengthy, and I don't think we're done yet, so I'll be adding stuff here in parts to keep it readable, if you're so inclined.  And if you feel like chiming in, there are plenty of chinks in the armour of our debate to exploit.

My favourite quote from Jared so far came from the fact that we've both had to use Google to look up words the other has used in our volleys.  'Cause, you know, big words give your argument more weight.  (I had to look up 'soteriology' and he had to look up 'asomatous'.) 

He said, "Ah Google - how infinately smaller would be my store of semi-useless knowledge were it not for Google!"

Here's the first salvo:

The quotable Star Wars

Filmforce has a compilation of what they claim to be the most memorable quotes from the top ten characters in the Star Wars universe.

I'm sad to see that they didn't include "All too easy."  I used to love pointing my finger and saying that in a deep voice on the squash court when I was kicking my opponent's butt.

The rest of the post below contains all the quotes from #10 (Boba Fett) down to #1 (Han Solo).  More for my own future reference than anything else.

E = mc2 (geek post alert)

To commemorate the fact that 2005 is the World Year of Physics, the website spiked-online conducted a survey of scientists to determine what, if given the opportunity, they would teach the world about science, if they could teach just one thing. 

This is also to commemorate Einstein Year in celebration of the fella who devised the most reknowned, and least understood, physical equation: E = mc².  Spelled out, this means the total Energy of any physical substance is equal to its mass times the square of the speed of light (c).

As an example, my 14 carat gold wedding ring weighs about 10 grams, or 0.01 kg.

The speed of light (in a vacuum) is approximately 300,000,000 metres per second, or just over a billion kilometres per hour.

My ring's total potential energy then can be calculated as:

E = (0.01 kg) x (300,000,000 m/s)²

= 900,000,000,000,000 kg*m²/s²

This is 900 trillion Joules, or 900,000 Gigajoules (GJ)

To put THAT in perspective, the average WWII atom bomb unleashed an amount of energy approximately equal to 90 GJ.  This means that, on the third finger of my left hand, I have stored enough energy to equal ten thousand atomic bombs. 

He-Man wasn't the only guy to put a ring on his finger and claim, "I have the Power!!"  I could kick some serious Skeletor ass if I could unleash the huge amounts of whoop-ass in my wedding ring.

Now, it's impossible to convert all that mass to energy instantaneously; at least it is for me.  But it goes to show why you need so very little material to make a bomb of that sort, of which the vast majority of the stuff that goes BOOM doesn't even convert to energy.  Trippy!!

Unfortunately, this also debunks the rather neat idea of food replicators on the Federation Starship Enterprise.  They are purported to convert energy into substances fit for human consumption and other 'stuff'.  (How do they get the gravy to taste right?)  And while scientifically possible, it would take a couple truck-loads of energy to do that.  I don't think that large-scale matter-energy conversion is a real plausibility in the foreseeable future.

Basically what I'm saying here is: SCIENCE IS NEAT!!

Now getting back to the scientist survey, here's a small sampling of some of the responses garnered when individuals were queried what they would teach the world about science, if given only one choice.  (And FYI, if you're still reading this, the overwhelming top choices were the Theory of Evolution, and the Scientific Method.)

*********************************************

Science can validate experience, but not deny it

The scientific method

Modern biology starts with influencing the course of biological evolution

Beware the natural scientist who makes generalisations outside their area of expertise

Science is the art of doubt, not of certainty

All things are made of atoms

Charles Darwin's discovery of the creation and evolution of organisms by natural selection

Science is about how things are and how they work, and what makes everything work is energy

Knowledge of science is fundamental to our quality of life, and the application of scientific discovery is vital

The atom is the fundamental structure of matter

Science is not merely a collection of ideas, from which one is free to pick and choose according to taste

The scientific method - how science proceeds from theory to law

Amphiphiles are molecules that have an affinity for both aqueous and non-aqueous media
(I didn't read them all, but this was the lamest response I came across.  You have one topic to teach the entire world about science, and this is the best you can come up with!?)

Scientists fall in love - with experiments

The second law of thermodynamics - that spontaneous changes are accompanied by an increase of entropy, an increase in disorder

Real discoveries in science are unanticipated

Science = imagination + humility²

Evolutionary biology implies that human life is meaningless, and existential psychology asserts that human life is fundamentally absurd

Science is essentially disputative

The scientific method, and the basic statistical tools that support it

Science is nothing but trained and organised common sense

Science as the search for answers actually generates only more questions

Science is the only method for discovering truth which is potentially accessible to all human beings
(I don't fully agree with this one.  'only'?)

The periodic table

Science is based upon empiricism - the objective observation of natural phenomena, and the attempt to encompass them

The process of evolution - that life, in all its diversity, has come about by the process of natural selection acting upon chance genetic variation

You must have doubts about everything you experience

The improver of natural knowledge absolutely refuses to acknowledge authority

By dispassionate measurement and discussion, one can answer questions which are often the subject of heated controversy

Science is driven by truth, and is accountable to reality

Sit down before the facts as a little child; be prepared to give up every preconceived notion

Simon is - RAW

I went for a 10 km run on Sunday morning.  Very invigorating.

I went for another 10 km run this morning.  Also very invigorating.

And I know you don't need or want to know this, but when I run I sweat like Paul Martin before a spring election.  It makes one's T-shirt a little more abrasive than when dry.

Lesson to be learned from that:
Start to wear band-aids over your nipples or you're gonna have two callused nubs by the time the summer's out.  You didn't need or want to know that either, but there you go. 

*******************

And another reason you can call me raw.  Customer service, in general, pisses me off.

Amy and I attempted to return our son's crib to the toy store from whence it came this past Sunday.  The receipt, which my darling wife retained (god bless her heart), was dated for March 2004.  So we went in knowing it was over a year ago.  And with any sort of toy or generic child-rearing paraphernalia, I would be fine with investing in something new.  We already have done so and will continue to do so; we do, after all, have a young son.  Things are gonna break.

But when the railings from your infant's crib start coming apart on their own through nothing more than regular use, something is rotten in the state of Denmark.  Birnham Wood ought to be a little more doughty than that.  The well-being of our offspring is threatened, dammit!!  (Don't get between a pair of parents [pairents?] and their progeny's safety...)

Chick at toy store:
Sorry, it's past our return deadline so you'll have to contact Phisher-Pryce.

Voice at other end of line when calling Phisher-Pryce the next day:
I'm sorry but you'll have to contact the manufacturer for whom we are just the distributor.

Voice at other end of line when calling company X:
hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-hold-...

Disgruntled wife talking to previous voice before being on hold for freakin' ever:
I'M SORRY! But I've been getting nothing but the run-around for a day and a half now and nobody seems at all concerned that my son cannot sleep safely at night!!  (Voice getting progressively higher as sentence gets longer.)

Now, all of a sudden, we're getting a replacement rail for the crib delivered by Wednesday and a complimentary rocking chair (for our trouble) for our son in two to three weeks.

Why do you have to be angry to get the better customer service?!  It irritates me so that my nipples are getting sore just thinking about it again.

I will pet her, and love her and snuggle her and call her 'George'

Well, since I'm at work early on a Sunday morn, thought I'd take the opportunity to show the pup that we'll be getting in June.

DarlingWife 1.0 was all agog with her cuteness on Friday night.  She picked up the pup and snuggled her, who then promptly stuffed her snout in a fold of Amy's sweater and proceeded to take a nap for half an hour.  DW 1.0 was hooked right then and there but good.  Yet another good sign was the fact that, her eyes having been closed since birth, our new pup opened them for the first time just as soon as Amy had her in her arms.  Apropos indeed.

All the pups tails have also now fallen off.  Are they docked for any but cosmetic reasons these days?  Apparently one can also dock the ears of boxers, but I also hear tell that they only come out 'right' about 60% of the time, otherwise they look silly.  Why would you DO that?

Anyway, here's the pup, and the boy who will be loving and adoring her:

And then just as an off-topic footnote:

WOW!!!
(I still have goosebumps from watching that...)