Monday funny

This was Emailed to me by a buddy last week.  I have no idea who Mitch Hedberg is.  Apparently he has shuffled off his mortal coil.

These come to you from the late Mitch Hedberg:

• Foosball f--ked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several ... simultaneously with two other guys... that look exactly like me.

• The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're f--king relentless.

• Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something

• I don't have a girlfriend. I just know this lady who'd be really mad if she heard me say that.

• I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore." But I was too busy mumbling, "there ain't no way that's gonna hit him." .... I hit a guy in one. What's par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two, you are an asshole.

• Some people say "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green". Ah hold on now... purple or green? You gotta draw the line somwhere. To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocatin'... then, help 'em!

• I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too ... I tried to taste it, but it did not work ...

• I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall down.

• I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

• I was at a club and they had black lights everywhere. A black light is a light that makes everyone look cool... except me, 'cause I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

• I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

• I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "can I use the phone?" I said, "certainly." He said, "do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

• This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one f--king complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck f--ker. The last payment must be made in wampum.

• Is a Hippopotamus a Hippopotamus? Or just a really cool Opotamus?

• I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

• This jacket is dry clean only. Which means .... it's dirty.

• I was in a bar, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

• Man. I went to the doctor the other day. All this guy did was suck blood out of my neck. Never go to see Dr. Acula.

Comments

[Penny]

I love this!!!! I laughed so hard I pee'd my pants...um....but then you probably didn't need/want to hear that...never mind...Penny