Simian Farmer

The Post is strong with this one

It was way the hell back in March of 2007 when the United States Postal Service announced the impending limited release of a sheet of stamps commemorating the pure AWESOMENESS of Star Wars.  Fitting, then, since 2007 marked the 30th anniversary since the original film's release and the birth of an unparalleled cinematic icon.  The R2-D2 mail boxes were pretty frikkin' sweet, too.

(We won't go into discussion here on the wide array of opinions stemming from the re-release of the doctored original trilogy, nor the subsequent prequels and the descent of George Lucas into the depths of merchandise-induced lunacy.  That is a talk for another time.)

No, here we will mention how badly I wanted to find a reason to venture into the gool ol' US of A back then.  My Star Wars fandom is a deep-seated thing, not often stirred by the latest plastic gizmo issued for mass consumption.  It borders on the sacred for me, and to sully that with cheap, throwaway toys from McDonalds just ain't my bag, baby.

But when something unique comes along, something rare, something that's offered for a Limited Time Only!, well then, I'm piqued.  And when it's affordable?  Even better.  Thus my fleeting consternation at my Canadianinity and the stamps' obvious American-ness.  Procurement might have been a problem.

Luckily, through the wonders of the internet, I have, over the years, acquired a small but useful menagerie of American friends, scattered through several strategic states in the union, a good number of whom share at least part of my passion for Star Wars.  When I made my lamentations known, there was one who said something like, "Dude, like, I'll totally get those for ya.  Chah!"

And I was appeased.

And then months passed.

And it was the winter of 2007, and also that of mine own discontent.

Then I realised, you know, I'm planning to meet up with this guy (along with one other guy) in the first guy's home town for what we colloquially coined The Blogfather Bash, in the spring of 2008.  And he's probably planning to give them to me then.  For sure.

And again I was appeased.

May of 2008 came to pass, I flew down to St. Louis to partake in a geek-filled weekend with two men I'd never met in the flesh before, and of whose flesh I only witnessed a heterosexually appropriate amount.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.  And I finally scored the stamps!

So I took them home and they sat there.  For months.  I forgot what they looked like.  When I found them again I was all, like, Hey!  These are cool!  I should really do something with them.

So I finally did.

The frame job cost at least 10 times what the stamps themselves are worth, but it's all about the perceived worth, you know?  I had the frame guy leave the back open (also covered with glass) since each stamp has accompanying text on the reverse side and I didn't want to cover it up.  But that picture's really boring so I'm not posting it.

Instead you get this second picture:

Declan has (apparently) reached the point where his little brother's intrusions into his bedroom are causing him all sorts of consternation and general gnashing of teeth.  Having a little brother of my own, I can relate.  (Amy did the lettering to complement Dex's fine drawing.)

When Dex drew that up today Amy told him, "You know Dex, Tavish can't read any of this."  To which our eldest boy gave the pragmatic reply, "Yeah, I know Mom.  When he wakes up from his nap I'll bring him over here and explain what it means, 'K?"

(Dex can't read it yet either, but I don't think they got into that.  He has all the words memorized.)

This blog is also weak

A meme, from vinny. I'm too busy playing Guitar Hero and training cute new hires to think and write anything useful.

bold = done it
italics = want to
strike = don't want to
Plus snarky comments

1. Started your own blog.
2. Slept under the stars.  On a blanket out by the fire pit.
3. Played in a band. (Probably not Rock Band, eh?)
4. Visited Hawaii.
5. Watched a meteor shower.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to Disneyland. (I'd like to be a professional sports player that gets paid a gross gob of money to say it after winning a championship. Only not like Patrick Roy. That guy totally flubbed his moment.)
8. Climbed a mountain. (RAN 38 km up and down a mountain, bitches.)
9. Held a praying mantis.
10. Sang a solo. (The shower totally counts.)
11. Bungee jumped. (Though I'd pick sky diving first.)
12. Visited Paris.
13. Watched a lightning storm.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch. (I can juggle. That's art.)
15. Adopted a child. (2 of my own is enough.)
16. Had food poisoning.
17. Walked to the top of The Statue of Liberty.
18. Grown your own vegetables. (Have I mentioned my two kids?)
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France. (In your underpants!)
20. Slept on an overnight train.
21. Had a pillow fight. (Not wearing lingerie.)
22. Hitch hiked.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill.  (Shh... don't tell.)
24. Built a snow fort. (And successfully defended it from interlopers.)
25. Held a lamb. (Well, parts of one. Just not a whole one.)
26. Gone skinny dipping. (More like chubby dipping then.)
27. Run a Marathon. (I'm gonna say that 38 km up and down a mountain counts.)
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice. (I'd pick my moment to say, "Ahh, Venice.")
29. Seen a total eclipse.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset. (This time of year I see both every frikkin' day.)
31. Hit a home run.
32. Been on a cruise. (In a non-Katie Holmes sort of way.)
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person.  (Very wet.)
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.
35. Seen an Amish community. (Canada has Hutterites and Mennonites.)
36. Taught yourself a new language. (For a time I could read the "Dethek Runes" dwarf language from 2nd Edition D&D. Then I realised I wanted to have sex some day.)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person.
39. Gone rock climbing.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David.
41. Sung karaoke. (Drunk in a friend's basement is always the best place.)
42. Seen the Old Faithful geyser erupt.
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant.
44. Visited Africa. (I hear it's a really big place.)
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight. (Plan to again in a week and a half. Mexico!)
46. Been transported in an ambulance.
47. Had your portrait painted.
48. Gone deep sea fishing.
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling. (See again: Mexico!)
52. Kissed in the rain.
53. Played in the mud.
54. Gone to a drive-in theatre. (I miss them around here now.)
55. Been in a movie. (I once worked with Nathan Fillion before he got famous.)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China. (It's Gr-r-r-r-r-r-eat!)
57. Started a business.
58. Taken a martial arts class.
59. Visited Russia.
60. Served at a soup kitchen.
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies. (Eaten, yes. The cookies, I mean.)
62. Gone whale watching.
63. Got flowers for no reason.
64. Donated blood. (110th donation tomorrow.)
65. Gone sky diving.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration camp.
67. Bounced a check. (It should be cheque.)
68. Flown in a helicopter.  (Vegas, baby, on the company dime.)
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy. (Several, in fact.)
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial.
71. Eaten caviar.
72. Pieced a quilt. (Wrong age and gender.)
73. Stood in Times Square.
74. Toured the Everglades.
75. Been fired from a job. (That fucker had it in for me.)
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London.
77. Broken a bone.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person.
80. Published a book.
81. Visited the Vatican.
82. Bought a brand new car. (Does anyone else think immediately of The Price is Right upon reading that?)
83. Walked in Jerusalem. (Not these days.)
84. Had your picture in the newspaper.
85. Read the entire Bible. (Like vinny, I'm counting the comic book bible I had in my fey youth. Delilah was so hawt!)
86. Visited the White House.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
88. Had chickenpox.
89. Saved someone’s life.
90. Sat on a jury.
91. Met someone famous.
92. Joined a book club.
93. Lost a loved one. (They're so hard to find again, after.)
94. Had a baby. (Participated, at least.)
95. Seen the Alamo in person. (Pee Wee's Big Adventure was good enough for me.)
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake. (It would be fun to be so buoyant.)
97. Been involved in a law suit.
98. Owned a mobile phone.
99. Been stung by a bee.
100. Read an entire book in one day.  (Whither time, now?!)

Get it off, get it off!

The Christmas holidays started out with me being really lazy.  I didn't bother shaving for a few days before I even stopped working.  And I use the term 'working' loosely.  What is there to do in that last week before the break, I mean really?!

Then the holidays arrived in full force and I couldn't be bothered to take razor to flesh.  I reveled in a glut of sartorial and hirsute indolence, the likes of which I have never before given thought to, let alone exercised.  It was wonderful.

Just before the new year turned and I had to consider the prospect of heading back to work, I stroked my face and thought to myself, "Self, let's see if I really do have what it takes to present a partially bearded visage to the viewing public."

And so I did.

I think I like it.  My upper lip has betrayed me with an embarrassing combination of sparseness and blondness, but I can live with that.  Now we'll see how long I choose to keep it.  Amy likes it, and that's probably more important for its longevity than my own opinion.  I feel like I've passed a milestone in the life of a man, about a decade later than most.

So what else is new?

Obligatory picture link.

This one's for posterity

Disclaimer:

This post is rated PG-13 for some sexual content and witty innuendo.

*****

As I was rocking out on my Aerosmith Guitar Hero this morning, I had the whole family sitting in the living room behind me watching as I went to school on a little Rag Doll.  I decided to experiment with the "hard" setting since I've pretty much mastered it on medium.  (I have five stars on all but two songs, and GOLD stars on four of the songs -- meaning I've hit every single note, not missing one.)

I didn't do so well on "hard", and I explained to Amy that a large part of the reason is that it incorporates the orange button at the bottom of the frets.  Since the green, red, yellow and blue buttons occupy my fingers, I have to slide my hand down to hit the orange notes, and I'm not well-practiced yet.

To this explanation Amy simply rejoined, "Too bad it's not a pink button.  You manage to hit that one every time."

Take THAT, Alanis!

This comic is just so awesome, I had to post it here.  I'd give credit where due if I knew where it came from, but I just found it on an image hosting site.

More real, introspective, self-absorbed content soon.  Happy new year and all that in the mean time.

Oh, come all ye faithful

Merry Christmas, my peeps.

A Christmas of pageantry and snacks

Declan's preschool Christmas Pageant was Monday night.  And here, in a fit of unwonted alacrity, I already have pictures from the fiasco.  I mean event. 

The kids spend the weeks prior to the show preparing during their classes, and it all culminates in a spectacle that lasts no more than 15 minutes.  What would you expect from a room full of 20 or so four and five year-olds?  Herding kittens would be more productive.

Here are some pictures.

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Sitting in the pews of the church, Tavish gets all excited about the impending festivities. And I realise there is leftover mustard still on his face.  (What can I say?  He likes mustard and ketchup with his celery.)

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Amy with our fledgling Wise Man.  He played the exact same role last year, so I'm thinking about writing a letter to the guild with my concerns about type-casting.

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Tavish plays with his Granny's zipper on her festive Christmas vest.

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Wielding the second "P" in HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS, Declan looks decidedly not.  All the dang attention.

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The kids didn't even really pretend to sing along.  They just nodded their heads to the beat and we listened to their teacher sing.  Just like last year.

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Tav lost interest in the goings-on on the stage pretty quickly.  Here, he spies the drum set out of the corner of his eye.

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Thankfully, Papa distracts him with a dialogue on the perfect temperature at which to drink coffee.

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I'm sorry, did I call him a "Wise Man" earlier?  I meant to say Wise Guy.

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We all really just come for the snacks out in the foyer after the gong show.

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See?  It's only the snacks that are in focus, even.

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The Wise Man has mad ninja skilz!  (And far too much sugar coursing through his veins.)

Famous last words

Bath time Sunday night, and the boys had watched the sadly disappointing Clone Wars DVD after dinner.

Dex says to me from in the tub, "Daddy, what Star Wars guy do you wanna be?"

"Well, Son," I reply after careful consideration, "I think I'd like to be Han Solo.  Is that OK?"

"Sure, Dad."

"And what Star Wars character do you want to be?"

"Um, I think I want to be Anakin."

I look at him a little sideways.  "Well, OK.  Just don't go and turn to the dark side on me, all right?"

As I walk out of the bathroom he replies to my back, "Don't worry, Daddy, I won't."

Favourite comics and stuff

Kids in the bath right now and Tavish is calling me rather plaintively.

"Dad?  Daaaa-deee?  DAD!!"

Declan admonishes him: "Tavish, you have to call him 'Obi Wan Kenobi' because right now he wants to be Obi Wan Kenobi.  Here, I'll show you.  OBI WAN!!"

I answer obediently from the living room.  "Yes, my young padawans?"  (We finished watching one of the Clone Wars DVDs between dinner and bath time.  I train them young, you see.)

Dex sits in the bathtub in what I can only assume (from experience) is a very smug position.  "You see, Tav?  You try it."  Apparently, they're training me as well.  Only fair I guess.

*****

But what I really came here to talk to you about was comics.  Specifically, webcomics.  I gave up the funny papers years ago because, frankly, they suck.  (Whither The Far Side, Calvin and Hobbes?)  Dilbert is pretty much the only decent syndication left, and I read that online now too.  So, following are the webcomics to which I subscribe and why.  Maybe you'll like them too.  I don't know.  Maybe they'll provide some further insight into the fabulous and unique persona that is me.

Basic Instructions

A four-panel comic that purports to offer instructions on how to handle typical every-day events.  But with a rather outlandish element of flair.  The outlandishness, all too often, is grounded in the author's real life experience.  Like the time he was watching Iron Chef, and the day's secret ingredient was... piglets.  You can't make that stuff up.  The strip stars himself, his wife and various other real life and fictitious characters.  It's currently one of my favourites.  Anything that can slip in "ROFG" (rolling on floor grieving) and have me in stitches is gonna go far.

Giant in the Playground

This website started offering the comic called Order of the Stick.  A stereotypical Dungeons & Dragons adventure drawn as stick figures.  It plays really well on making jokes about the gaming genre as well as poking fun at topical subjects less frequently.  The writing is really top notch (especially if you're into gaming) and the continuous story arc helps keep me coming back.

The site also, more recently, added Erfworld, the Battle for Gobwin Knob. See, there's this fat tween gaming master who starts up a D&D session with his chums, and he suddenly gets sucked into the world he's created. He finds himself set up as a warlord for the ostensible bad guys in a world populated by gobwins, spidews, dwagons, Charlie's Archons, giant teddy bears that push siege engines, and various (even weirder) beings. Somehow, Elvis is going to play into it, but we haven't gotten there yet.  Intriguing; not quite as good as Order of the Stick, but engaging.

Irregular Webcomic

The only thing regular about this is its posting frequency.  Every single weekday, at the exact same time every day.  It's composed of photo frames of mostly Lego sets with dialogue bubbles 'shopped in.  Definitely one of the geekiest comics I read (he says after posting two consecutive D&D comics), but it's not always that funny.  The author often writes great (and lengthy) annotations explaining some of the content of the comic (often very science-y).  Those, and the random polls he posts, keep my interest.

Darths and Droids

By the same author as Irregular Webcomic, this is an ongoing project taking film frames from the Star Wars prequel movies and COMPLETELY re-writing the dialogue as if it were a gaming session being played by D&D geeks.  (You see a theme here, don't you?)  It's nearing the end of Phantom Menace right now, and the plan is to do the other two films as well. 

Cyanide and Happyness

Definitely the most tasteless comic I subscribe to. Resulting in (sometimes) the greatest hilarity.  Occasionally it just makes me think how somebody could have come up with that crap.  Not for the prudish.

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

My most recent find, so I haven't fully formed an opinion on it, but it seems pretty darned good so far.  If the linked content is anything typical, it's going to be a keeper for sure.

XKCD

This, my friends, is the sine qua non of webcomics.  Self described as "A webcomic of Romance, Sarcasm, Math, and Language."  It's the best out there, and the author, although a physics grad from MIT, actually makes his living selling stuff from the associated online store.  Give it a shot.

*****

I was also hoping to link the now defunct Perry Bible Fellowship, even though the author has stopped writing the comic, because the archive was chock full of comicky goodness.  But alas, the page doesn't load for me.

If you have your own suggestions for any comics not mentioned that might be up my alley, I'd be happy to head over and take a look.

And our first number one hit would be, "Dangling Participles"

I got a little unbent at my wife the other night.  Nothing that Amy did, I just needed to vent a little and she was sitting innocently at the kitchen table, ready to absorb a random barrage of Simon's venial annoyances.  It had to do with music.

I think there's finally a song extant to usurp Alanis Morissette's long-held number one position atop my list of Worst Grammatical Offenders in music.  I don't even know what the name of the goddamn thing is, and I can't be bothered to spend the five minutes it would take to search the thing on teh internets.  It's that annoying to me.

I don't even know what most of the lyrics are, even though I've heard it a couple dozen times on the radio.  That's because I can't get out of my head the part that scrapes its fingernails down the chalkboard of my English pedantry. 

The very short bit goes thus: "Are we human... or are we dancer?"

That's it.  That's all I can recall from the song.  On top of that, the singer performs it in a voice that is a sort of soporific lament to existential angst, which only exacerbates the grammatical travesty.  The combination of those two factors makes me want to jam a sharpened No. 2 pencil into each ear and burn Stephen King books to keep alive my guttering hatred for blatant language abuses in the name of art.  (Nothing against King's books; his name just goes well with the pencil-in-ear scenario.)

Referring to "we" as a single dancer somehow grates against my entire being, and I can't quite place why that is.  "Dancer" should be plural, obviously.  Dancers.  Then the line would scan just fine.  "We" can all be human, speaking about mankind as a race.  Or "we" can be humans, individually.  Either of those is fine.  But "we" can only ever be dancers; we can never be dancer.

If I ever start up a rock band, I plan to call it "Strunk & White".

*****

OK, fine, I looked it up on YouTube.